i'm in a perpetual catch-22 that is growing up. i'm doing what is responsible. i have a good job and i'm going to start earning money, diligently participating in the economic machine. somewhere inside me, though, lives a knot of concern, because if adventure and creativity and dreams dissolve with the acquisition of security, i'm not sure i want it. if i ever lose magic, i will certainly fade away. so, here i am: intangible and uncertain, trying not to dissolve into mediocrity.
i want to meet people who are real and truthful and brave. where are they?
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
it's list time.
Things I've accomplished this fall--
-started working as a full-time English teacher
-helped start and advise a ballroom dancing club
-finally (kind of) quit teaching dance at my high school studio
-blew my engine due to neglect
-spent an entire month carpooling with mom while it was repaired
-almost lost my mind during that time
-paid for and received a new engine, and other such things
-didn't lose mind
-developed good (beginnings of) friendships in the English Department
-drank too much
-started to learn how not to and what causes my emotional drinking
-started (truly) avoiding social situations from my past that i knew would be unhealthy
-decided that i WILL be moving out of my parents' house within the next year
-and actually told them that
-went to a drama workshop with a colleague
-started helping with the drama club at school
-replied calmly and maturely to a jealous girlfriend's email
-put some space between myself and said jealous girlfriend's beax
-realized that i am still a procrastinator at heart
-and that i will have to adjust my professional responsibilities, or rather, my dealings with my professional responsibilities accordingly
-and i made it to the winter break!!
Things I'd like to do on my week off...
-write write write (let's say for at least an hour each day)
-CORRECT all my kids' papers and projects
-read read read (mostly the things i need to teach in January, but also something just for me)
-begin work on mid-term and final exams
-play with and walk dogs every day
-book club
-visit with vanessa
-visit grandpa at least twice
-and i'll leave it at that... knowing full well that the writing of the list does not guarantee a thing, it just presents a hope.
i'm living. surviving. good and bad. and i guess that's all one can ask for.
right?
-started working as a full-time English teacher
-helped start and advise a ballroom dancing club
-finally (kind of) quit teaching dance at my high school studio
-blew my engine due to neglect
-spent an entire month carpooling with mom while it was repaired
-almost lost my mind during that time
-paid for and received a new engine, and other such things
-didn't lose mind
-developed good (beginnings of) friendships in the English Department
-drank too much
-started to learn how not to and what causes my emotional drinking
-started (truly) avoiding social situations from my past that i knew would be unhealthy
-decided that i WILL be moving out of my parents' house within the next year
-and actually told them that
-went to a drama workshop with a colleague
-started helping with the drama club at school
-replied calmly and maturely to a jealous girlfriend's email
-put some space between myself and said jealous girlfriend's beax
-realized that i am still a procrastinator at heart
-and that i will have to adjust my professional responsibilities, or rather, my dealings with my professional responsibilities accordingly
-and i made it to the winter break!!
Things I'd like to do on my week off...
-write write write (let's say for at least an hour each day)
-CORRECT all my kids' papers and projects
-read read read (mostly the things i need to teach in January, but also something just for me)
-begin work on mid-term and final exams
-play with and walk dogs every day
-book club
-visit with vanessa
-visit grandpa at least twice
-and i'll leave it at that... knowing full well that the writing of the list does not guarantee a thing, it just presents a hope.
i'm living. surviving. good and bad. and i guess that's all one can ask for.
right?
Sunday, October 22, 2006
not all who wander are lost...
but i am.
in a starless night.
the velvety soft surface,
seemingly warm,
descends downward
and suffocates me.
and with no north star,
no orian,
no dipper, big or little,
to guide this wanderer home,
an empty vacuum emerges
snorting the lines of my life away.
until it is cracked-out to capacity
with colors too prevalent,
overcrowded,
and mashed together -
my identity is lost
in this blackness
wanting light.
in a starless night.
the velvety soft surface,
seemingly warm,
descends downward
and suffocates me.
and with no north star,
no orian,
no dipper, big or little,
to guide this wanderer home,
an empty vacuum emerges
snorting the lines of my life away.
until it is cracked-out to capacity
with colors too prevalent,
overcrowded,
and mashed together -
my identity is lost
in this blackness
wanting light.
passion
october crimson leave
bright and fresh
glowing, this dusky hour
once like all others:
green, healthy, free
but as it's time grows near,
the inner blush,
the inner burn
pushes through
crying out to all passersby,
"this is my soul. this is me."
october crimson leave
about to fall
about to crumble
but shining still
screaming it's existence into the ethos.
bright and fresh
glowing, this dusky hour
once like all others:
green, healthy, free
but as it's time grows near,
the inner blush,
the inner burn
pushes through
crying out to all passersby,
"this is my soul. this is me."
october crimson leave
about to fall
about to crumble
but shining still
screaming it's existence into the ethos.
Horiscope time...
Libra! About Your Sign...
Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac, all the others representing either humans or animals. Many modern astrologers regard it as the most desirable of zodiacal types because it represents the zenith of the year, the high point of the seasons, when the harvest of all the hard work of the spring is reaped. There is a mellowness and sense of relaxation in the air as mankind enjoys the last of the summer sun and the fruits of his toil. Librans too are among the most civilized of the twelve zodiacal characters and are often good looking. They have elegance, charm and good taste, are naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty, harmony (both in music and social living) and the pleasures that these bring.
They have good critical faculty and are able to stand back and look impartially at matters which call for an impartial judgment to be made on them. But they do not tolerate argument from anyone who challenges their opinions, for once they have reached a conclusion, its truth seems to them self-evident; and among their faults is an impatience of criticism and a greed for approval. But their characters are on the whole balanced, diplomatic and even tempered.
Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift, sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism - they are the kind of people of whom it is said, "They always make you feel better for having been with them." They are very social human beings. They loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity and detest conflict between people, so they do their best to cooperate and compromise with everyone around them, and their ideal for their own circle and for society as a whole is unity.
Their cast of mind is artistic rather than intellectual, though they are usually too moderate and well balanced to be avant garde in any artistic endeavor. They have good perception and observation and their critical ability, with which they are able to view their own efforts as well as those of others, gives their work integrity.
In their personal relationships they show understanding of the other person's point of view, trying to resolve any differences by compromise, and are often willing to allow claims against themselves to be settled to their own disadvantage rather than spoil a relationship. They like the opposite sex to the extent of promiscuity sometimes, and may indulge in romanticism bordering on sentimentality.
Their marriages, however, stand a good chance of success because they are frequently the union of "true minds". The Libran's continuing kindness toward his or her partner mollifies any hurt the latter may feel if the two have had a tiff. Nor can the Libran's spouse often complain that he or she is not understood, for the Libran is usually the most empathetic of all the zodiacal types and the most ready to tolerate the beloved's failings.
The negative Libran character may show frivolity, flirtatiousness and shallowness. It can be changeable and indecisive, impatient of routine, colorlessly conventional and timid, easygoing to the point of inertia, seldom angry when circumstances demand a show of annoyance at least; and yet Librans can shock everyone around them with sudden storms of rage. Their love of pleasure may lead them into extravagance; Libran men can degenerate into reckless gamblers, and Libran women extravagant, jealous and careless about money sometimes squander their wealth and talents in their overenthusiasm for causes which they espouse. Both sexes can become great gossipers. A characteristic of the type is an insatiable curiosity that tempts them to enquire into every social scandal in their circle.
In their work the description "lazy Libra" which is sometimes given is actually more alliterative than true. Librans can be surprisingly energetic, though it is true that they dislike coarse, dirty work. Although some are modestly content, others are extremely ambitious. With their dislike of extremes they make good diplomats but perhaps poor party politicians, for they are moderate in their opinions and able to see other points of view. They can succeed as administrators, lawyers (they have a strong sense of justice, which cynics might say could handicap them in a legal career), antique dealers, civil servants and bankers, for they are trustworthy in handling other people's money. Some Librans are gifted in fashion designing or in devising new cosmetics; others may find success as artists, composers, critics, writers, interior decorators, welfare workers or valuers, and they have an ability in the management of all sorts of public entertainment. Some work philanthropically for humanity with great self-disciple and significant results. Libran financiers sometimes make good speculators, for they have the optimism and ability to recover from financial crashes.
Possible Health Concerns...
Libra governs the lumbar region, lower back and kidneys. Its subjects must beware of weaknesses in the back, and lumbago, and they are susceptible to troubles in the kidneys and bladder, especially gravel and stone. They need to avoid overindulgence in food and especially drink, for the latter can particularly harm the kidneys.
LIKES
The finer things in life
Sharing
conviviality
Gentleness
DISLIKES
Violence
Injustice
Brutishness
Being a slave to fashion
PROBLEMS THAT MAY ARISE FOR YOU, AND THEIR SOLUTIONS
As with all sun signs, we all have unique traits to our personalities. When these traits are suppressed, or unrealized, problems will arise. However, with astrology we can examine the problem and assess the proper solution based on the sun sign characteristics. As a Libran you may see things below that really strike home. Try the solution, you most likely will be amazed at the results. If you find yourself on the receiving end of the negatives below, it is because you are failing to express the positive.
Problem: Finding yourself frequently trapped in situations that have no depth and little value to you or the other person.
Solution: Try not to pretend feelings you do not have and find a way to back gracefully out of a superficial relationship; look before you leap.
Problem: You find that you do not really like yourself and/or beating yourself up over not being able to please another.
Solution: If you learn how to please yourself without depriving others, then you will be able to please someone else.
Problem: The situations that make you ill at ease is only mildly irritating to another.
Solution: Try to cultivate inner security through spiritual strength and awareness.
Problem: Feeling like you are nothing: your actions being frustrating to others.
Solution: Developing your feelings of self worth by expressing the positive in your nature and not letting your elitist, class consciousness show.
Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac, all the others representing either humans or animals. Many modern astrologers regard it as the most desirable of zodiacal types because it represents the zenith of the year, the high point of the seasons, when the harvest of all the hard work of the spring is reaped. There is a mellowness and sense of relaxation in the air as mankind enjoys the last of the summer sun and the fruits of his toil. Librans too are among the most civilized of the twelve zodiacal characters and are often good looking. They have elegance, charm and good taste, are naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty, harmony (both in music and social living) and the pleasures that these bring.
They have good critical faculty and are able to stand back and look impartially at matters which call for an impartial judgment to be made on them. But they do not tolerate argument from anyone who challenges their opinions, for once they have reached a conclusion, its truth seems to them self-evident; and among their faults is an impatience of criticism and a greed for approval. But their characters are on the whole balanced, diplomatic and even tempered.
Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift, sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism - they are the kind of people of whom it is said, "They always make you feel better for having been with them." They are very social human beings. They loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity and detest conflict between people, so they do their best to cooperate and compromise with everyone around them, and their ideal for their own circle and for society as a whole is unity.
Their cast of mind is artistic rather than intellectual, though they are usually too moderate and well balanced to be avant garde in any artistic endeavor. They have good perception and observation and their critical ability, with which they are able to view their own efforts as well as those of others, gives their work integrity.
In their personal relationships they show understanding of the other person's point of view, trying to resolve any differences by compromise, and are often willing to allow claims against themselves to be settled to their own disadvantage rather than spoil a relationship. They like the opposite sex to the extent of promiscuity sometimes, and may indulge in romanticism bordering on sentimentality.
Their marriages, however, stand a good chance of success because they are frequently the union of "true minds". The Libran's continuing kindness toward his or her partner mollifies any hurt the latter may feel if the two have had a tiff. Nor can the Libran's spouse often complain that he or she is not understood, for the Libran is usually the most empathetic of all the zodiacal types and the most ready to tolerate the beloved's failings.
The negative Libran character may show frivolity, flirtatiousness and shallowness. It can be changeable and indecisive, impatient of routine, colorlessly conventional and timid, easygoing to the point of inertia, seldom angry when circumstances demand a show of annoyance at least; and yet Librans can shock everyone around them with sudden storms of rage. Their love of pleasure may lead them into extravagance; Libran men can degenerate into reckless gamblers, and Libran women extravagant, jealous and careless about money sometimes squander their wealth and talents in their overenthusiasm for causes which they espouse. Both sexes can become great gossipers. A characteristic of the type is an insatiable curiosity that tempts them to enquire into every social scandal in their circle.
In their work the description "lazy Libra" which is sometimes given is actually more alliterative than true. Librans can be surprisingly energetic, though it is true that they dislike coarse, dirty work. Although some are modestly content, others are extremely ambitious. With their dislike of extremes they make good diplomats but perhaps poor party politicians, for they are moderate in their opinions and able to see other points of view. They can succeed as administrators, lawyers (they have a strong sense of justice, which cynics might say could handicap them in a legal career), antique dealers, civil servants and bankers, for they are trustworthy in handling other people's money. Some Librans are gifted in fashion designing or in devising new cosmetics; others may find success as artists, composers, critics, writers, interior decorators, welfare workers or valuers, and they have an ability in the management of all sorts of public entertainment. Some work philanthropically for humanity with great self-disciple and significant results. Libran financiers sometimes make good speculators, for they have the optimism and ability to recover from financial crashes.
Possible Health Concerns...
Libra governs the lumbar region, lower back and kidneys. Its subjects must beware of weaknesses in the back, and lumbago, and they are susceptible to troubles in the kidneys and bladder, especially gravel and stone. They need to avoid overindulgence in food and especially drink, for the latter can particularly harm the kidneys.
LIKES
The finer things in life
Sharing
conviviality
Gentleness
DISLIKES
Violence
Injustice
Brutishness
Being a slave to fashion
PROBLEMS THAT MAY ARISE FOR YOU, AND THEIR SOLUTIONS
As with all sun signs, we all have unique traits to our personalities. When these traits are suppressed, or unrealized, problems will arise. However, with astrology we can examine the problem and assess the proper solution based on the sun sign characteristics. As a Libran you may see things below that really strike home. Try the solution, you most likely will be amazed at the results. If you find yourself on the receiving end of the negatives below, it is because you are failing to express the positive.
Problem: Finding yourself frequently trapped in situations that have no depth and little value to you or the other person.
Solution: Try not to pretend feelings you do not have and find a way to back gracefully out of a superficial relationship; look before you leap.
Problem: You find that you do not really like yourself and/or beating yourself up over not being able to please another.
Solution: If you learn how to please yourself without depriving others, then you will be able to please someone else.
Problem: The situations that make you ill at ease is only mildly irritating to another.
Solution: Try to cultivate inner security through spiritual strength and awareness.
Problem: Feeling like you are nothing: your actions being frustrating to others.
Solution: Developing your feelings of self worth by expressing the positive in your nature and not letting your elitist, class consciousness show.
these are amusing....
1 (10/1, 19/1)
The Life Path 1 suggests that you entered this plane with skills allowing you to become a leader type rather easily. Your nature is charged with individualistic desires, a demand for independence, and the need for personal attainment. Many of our military generals, corporate leaders, and political leaders are men and women having the Life Path 1. When you display positive 1 traits your mind is capable of significant creative inspiration, and it possesses the enthusiasm and drive to accomplish a great deal. You are very good at getting the ball rolling; initiating new projects is your forte. You are at your best when confronted with obstacles and challenges, as you combat these with strength and daring. This is both the physical and inner varieties of strength. With this strength comes utter determination and the capability to lead. As a natural leader you have a flair for taking charge of any situation. You have a tendency to do this, even if, at times, it is not appropriate for you to do so.
Highly original, you may have talents as an inventor or innovator of some sort. In any work that you choose, your independent attitude can show through. You have very strong personal needs and desires, and you feel it is always necessary to follow your own convictions. You tire of routine and highly detailed tasks rather quickly.
You are ambitious and assertive in promoting yourself. Although you may hide the fact for social reasons, you can be self-centered and demand to have your way in many circumstances. That said, for the most part, you are considered very good company, friendly, good-natured, and a wonderful conversationalist. People like you and are drawn to you. It is a good thing they are, because you are very sensitive to disapproval and you don't handle it very well.
There are several ways that the negative side of the 1 can show up. The 1 always has the potential for greatness as a leader, but they may fail as a follower. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to follow for a while before you are allowed to lead and this can be a difficult time. When the 1 Life Path person is not fully developed and expressing the negative side of this number, the demeanor may appear very dependent rather than independent, particularly in the early years. If you are expressing this negative trait of the number 1, you are likely to be very dissatisfied with your circumstances, and long for self-sufficiency. This might be defined as the weak or dependent side of the negative 1 Life Path. On the strong side of this negative curve, the 1 energy can become too self-serving, selfish and egotistical. Avoid being too bossy and demanding.
http://www.paulsadowski.org/BirthDay.asp
The Life Path 1 suggests that you entered this plane with skills allowing you to become a leader type rather easily. Your nature is charged with individualistic desires, a demand for independence, and the need for personal attainment. Many of our military generals, corporate leaders, and political leaders are men and women having the Life Path 1. When you display positive 1 traits your mind is capable of significant creative inspiration, and it possesses the enthusiasm and drive to accomplish a great deal. You are very good at getting the ball rolling; initiating new projects is your forte. You are at your best when confronted with obstacles and challenges, as you combat these with strength and daring. This is both the physical and inner varieties of strength. With this strength comes utter determination and the capability to lead. As a natural leader you have a flair for taking charge of any situation. You have a tendency to do this, even if, at times, it is not appropriate for you to do so.
Highly original, you may have talents as an inventor or innovator of some sort. In any work that you choose, your independent attitude can show through. You have very strong personal needs and desires, and you feel it is always necessary to follow your own convictions. You tire of routine and highly detailed tasks rather quickly.
You are ambitious and assertive in promoting yourself. Although you may hide the fact for social reasons, you can be self-centered and demand to have your way in many circumstances. That said, for the most part, you are considered very good company, friendly, good-natured, and a wonderful conversationalist. People like you and are drawn to you. It is a good thing they are, because you are very sensitive to disapproval and you don't handle it very well.
There are several ways that the negative side of the 1 can show up. The 1 always has the potential for greatness as a leader, but they may fail as a follower. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to follow for a while before you are allowed to lead and this can be a difficult time. When the 1 Life Path person is not fully developed and expressing the negative side of this number, the demeanor may appear very dependent rather than independent, particularly in the early years. If you are expressing this negative trait of the number 1, you are likely to be very dissatisfied with your circumstances, and long for self-sufficiency. This might be defined as the weak or dependent side of the negative 1 Life Path. On the strong side of this negative curve, the 1 energy can become too self-serving, selfish and egotistical. Avoid being too bossy and demanding.
http://www.paulsadowski.org/BirthDay.asp
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
where are the days of bike riding until i couldn't see,
of rolling down hills?
of evading space alien invasions,
stealing back my dinosaur egg,
eating mr. frak's rubarb,
and sneaking through the hawk lady's fence?
where are the days i spent shaking the house down,
busting my rhythm nation moves?
where are the twins that only i could tell apart?
little mikey who loved playing street hockey?
the tree i ran away to?
the boy i kissed under his front porch?
and that kid chris who always pooped his pants?
where are those moments when i felt strong
and powerful
and alive?
when do i get to be that girl again?
where did i lose her?
when do i begin to make sense again?
of rolling down hills?
of evading space alien invasions,
stealing back my dinosaur egg,
eating mr. frak's rubarb,
and sneaking through the hawk lady's fence?
where are the days i spent shaking the house down,
busting my rhythm nation moves?
where are the twins that only i could tell apart?
little mikey who loved playing street hockey?
the tree i ran away to?
the boy i kissed under his front porch?
and that kid chris who always pooped his pants?
where are those moments when i felt strong
and powerful
and alive?
when do i get to be that girl again?
where did i lose her?
when do i begin to make sense again?
Thursday, September 14, 2006
This might be a problem.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just that
I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and
relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend
device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little
instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they
are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get
them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots
waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or
even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!
noooooooo i wouldn't do a thing like that.
i don't drink either.
i'm an angel.
Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just that
I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and
relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend
device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little
instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they
are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get
them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots
waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or
even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!
noooooooo i wouldn't do a thing like that.
i don't drink either.
i'm an angel.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
what is it that makes me so goddamned intimidating?!?!?!?! i'm so SICK of my happiness being prevented simply because of who i am. i'm sooooo NOT SORRY that you can't handle me. i'm done apologizing for the nothings i did wrong. stop being mean and insecure and unstable. love yourself, because you deserve at least that. and then stop hating on anyone who is stronger than you.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
i've been incubating...
... and now it's time to spill.
I'm utterly frustrated with myself and us and this THING we are doing, whatever it is. I thought we were all interested and I thought we were all going to go for it... but for some reason I'm not really believing it this time. Maybe it was the last visit; it seemed strange. I don't know if things have changed with anyone else, but I still want to attempt this.
I want to build a life around art, creation, and family.
But I'm terrified. I'm scared we're all going to get settled in our own lives and leave this to wither away. I don't want to get stuck in something I think I should be doing and never do what I've envisioned. Even if it fails. If it falls on it's ass, so what. At least we will have tried.
Though I'm not convinced we're even going to do that anymore. And it makes my stomach churn.
Talking the big talk is a bug I think we've caught. Please, please, somebody tell me I'm wrong.
I'm utterly frustrated with myself and us and this THING we are doing, whatever it is. I thought we were all interested and I thought we were all going to go for it... but for some reason I'm not really believing it this time. Maybe it was the last visit; it seemed strange. I don't know if things have changed with anyone else, but I still want to attempt this.
I want to build a life around art, creation, and family.
But I'm terrified. I'm scared we're all going to get settled in our own lives and leave this to wither away. I don't want to get stuck in something I think I should be doing and never do what I've envisioned. Even if it fails. If it falls on it's ass, so what. At least we will have tried.
Though I'm not convinced we're even going to do that anymore. And it makes my stomach churn.
Talking the big talk is a bug I think we've caught. Please, please, somebody tell me I'm wrong.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even
complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, extremely generous, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
sometimes i'm amazed at how accurate these silly little astrological-type evaluations can be. good and bad, this is me.
no apologies.
complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, extremely generous, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
sometimes i'm amazed at how accurate these silly little astrological-type evaluations can be. good and bad, this is me.
no apologies.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
we create a world of beauty where
people come to forget the horrors
or the dull drone of life
they sit down
wiggle down into the worn red velvet seats
glance down at the program
look at the nose picking plump guy in seat 3D
snortle, scratch their butts and
shoot the shit with the person in 6E
lights blink
on off on off
curtain opens
lights come up
music starts
gasp! they can't wait!
their reality is put on hold
they watch our bodies
enjoy our bodies
envy our bodies
want our bodies
we work for applause
we crave a standing ovation
praise
attention
from complete strangers...
so much of our self-worth comes from outside ourSELF
and when the curtain closes,
the audience files out,
and the dressing rooms empty,
all that remains is
a lonliness
an emptiness
an echo of a person,
a shell that exists larger than life
somewhere else
people come to forget the horrors
or the dull drone of life
they sit down
wiggle down into the worn red velvet seats
glance down at the program
look at the nose picking plump guy in seat 3D
snortle, scratch their butts and
shoot the shit with the person in 6E
lights blink
on off on off
curtain opens
lights come up
music starts
gasp! they can't wait!
their reality is put on hold
they watch our bodies
enjoy our bodies
envy our bodies
want our bodies
we work for applause
we crave a standing ovation
praise
attention
from complete strangers...
so much of our self-worth comes from outside ourSELF
and when the curtain closes,
the audience files out,
and the dressing rooms empty,
all that remains is
a lonliness
an emptiness
an echo of a person,
a shell that exists larger than life
somewhere else
for all participants to fill out...
... and then the answers will be abstracted into movement phrases for each individual dancer in the show... and integrated into a montage for the intro leading into Beautiful by india.arie (played and sung live), which is to be another thread holding the whole thing together...
Beautiful looks like ____________
Beautiful tastes like ___________
Beautiful smells like ___________
Beautiful feels like ____________
Beautiful sounds like ___________
Beautiful is ____________________
Beautiful looks like ____________
Beautiful tastes like ___________
Beautiful smells like ___________
Beautiful feels like ____________
Beautiful sounds like ___________
Beautiful is ____________________
my parents always told me i was beautiful
my gramps calls me cutie
my pops calls me sweetness
my mama looks at me, and in her eyes i feel like the. most. spectacular. flower.
yet i rarely believe
i look in that damn mirror and see a form not belonging to me
i see a face filled with doubt, veiled with desire
i see a body objectified as an ideal feminine form
but one that brings me uncertainty and shame
one that i've yet to embrace lovingly
calling it my own
urging it to live inside love and art
this body,
this form,
is to be the vehicle for my art.
but how can i create art that i love in a body i don't?
my gramps calls me cutie
my pops calls me sweetness
my mama looks at me, and in her eyes i feel like the. most. spectacular. flower.
yet i rarely believe
i look in that damn mirror and see a form not belonging to me
i see a face filled with doubt, veiled with desire
i see a body objectified as an ideal feminine form
but one that brings me uncertainty and shame
one that i've yet to embrace lovingly
calling it my own
urging it to live inside love and art
this body,
this form,
is to be the vehicle for my art.
but how can i create art that i love in a body i don't?
a dancer's tool is her body
it must be kept fit
strong limber trained beautiful
(but what equates beauty?)
the mirror reflects strength
but magnifies weakness
everytime she falls out of a pirouette
everytime her extension plateaus
everytime she grabs for the barre like a person drowning
gasping for air
everytime
the mirror is there
reminding her of those faults and failures
that prevent her dreams
it must be kept fit
strong limber trained beautiful
(but what equates beauty?)
the mirror reflects strength
but magnifies weakness
everytime she falls out of a pirouette
everytime her extension plateaus
everytime she grabs for the barre like a person drowning
gasping for air
everytime
the mirror is there
reminding her of those faults and failures
that prevent her dreams
five six seven eight
and one...
lift
present
turn out
extend
show me your jewels
hold it
be great
point your feet
stretch your leg
spot
beat
faster
listen to your music
get it up!
you sound like an elephant
land softly
again
the floor is your friend
take a chance
do it better
get up and try it again
i shouldn't see any sweat
no pain, no gain
open your back
find your center
turn out
lift
again!
hold it
lift it
stretch
smile
push harder
plie!!!
quick turn turn turn leap
slow breathe extend
turn out!!!
AGAIN!!!
perform
command attention
dancer's don't hurt
dancer's don't cry
dancer's don't sweat
dancer's are everything unrealistic
be beautiful
and one...
lift
present
turn out
extend
show me your jewels
hold it
be great
point your feet
stretch your leg
spot
beat
faster
listen to your music
get it up!
you sound like an elephant
land softly
again
the floor is your friend
take a chance
do it better
get up and try it again
i shouldn't see any sweat
no pain, no gain
open your back
find your center
turn out
lift
again!
hold it
lift it
stretch
smile
push harder
plie!!!
quick turn turn turn leap
slow breathe extend
turn out!!!
AGAIN!!!
perform
command attention
dancer's don't hurt
dancer's don't cry
dancer's don't sweat
dancer's are everything unrealistic
be beautiful
When a character, idea, melody inhabits my body, I can safely lose control. I use my body to voice things I can't say. Or that I don't know how to or even that I want to say.
The essence of me was alive and well the moment my mother bore me into this world, with all my potential successes and blunders. And though it's shell took a number of years to develop, it has taken much longer for me to even begin to like the physical representation of myself.
The essence of me was alive and well the moment my mother bore me into this world, with all my potential successes and blunders. And though it's shell took a number of years to develop, it has taken much longer for me to even begin to like the physical representation of myself.
Monday, May 22, 2006
ian. your last post could possibly evolve into an extension of the musician portion of my theme.
there could be a dance (and a corresponding song) where you are center stage on a stool with an acoustic guitar. you are in the process of writing this song. in bits and pieces it evolves into something you are happy with. and in the middle perhaps there could be a break of frustration... or an interjection of your monologue's sentiments.
what you think?
let me grab your ears
and stear you brothers and sisters
to our spot over here
we got words flowin forth
tryin to set your minds on the course
to recognize the tension
and unsettling force
looming everyday gaining power in any way
getting us all to turn our heads,
lock our lips
and shrink away
peace to you. peace to them
let's bring on the Peace Zen
listen for a moment
to put some action after "then"
there could be a dance (and a corresponding song) where you are center stage on a stool with an acoustic guitar. you are in the process of writing this song. in bits and pieces it evolves into something you are happy with. and in the middle perhaps there could be a break of frustration... or an interjection of your monologue's sentiments.
what you think?
calling all crazy cats
hey.
i'm doing this dance show.
i need some creative catharsis in my life.
and i need all the help i can get from yall!
assignment: write some words about being an artist in the middle of things - things specific to your craft or not. the four monologues/poems are going to stand alone and also be intertwined with eachother by the end of the show.
the only stipulations (as of now): write truthfully. try for some vivid language, interesting sounds, and power (even if it's a gentle power).
please do this soon so lizzi and i can look at it and arrange them together somehow. i'm going to try and start rehearsals in a couple weeks. i'm going to try to have the performance the second week in august. and again, i can't emphasize enough... i'm going to need your help.
loves.
i'm doing this dance show.
i need some creative catharsis in my life.
and i need all the help i can get from yall!
assignment: write some words about being an artist in the middle of things - things specific to your craft or not. the four monologues/poems are going to stand alone and also be intertwined with eachother by the end of the show.
the only stipulations (as of now): write truthfully. try for some vivid language, interesting sounds, and power (even if it's a gentle power).
please do this soon so lizzi and i can look at it and arrange them together somehow. i'm going to try and start rehearsals in a couple weeks. i'm going to try to have the performance the second week in august. and again, i can't emphasize enough... i'm going to need your help.
loves.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Saturday, May 13, 2006
having too vivid imagination is my downfall.
so many times i've played out different interactions, dreams, ideas, conversations in my head ... leaving myself well-rehearsed for an unlived life.
why do i feel the need to have everything perfectly figured out in my head before taking a leap? i've always been like that. i'm terrible at improvisation. but once i've practiced and practiced and gotten it right, i feel a thousand times more sure of myself. i like having control of what happens, knowing that i'm in the driver's seat.
but, then... surprises and unexpected events are what make a life. and how you process them, gracefully or otherwise, shapes the outcomes.
if i keep imagining my life how i think it ought to be, i'm going to miss it completely. if i let my issues flatten me on the sidewalk time and time again, i'm never going to rise above them. if i wallow in this place which makes me a victim, i'm never going to be happy. and i'm sick to death of being a victim.
rehearsing unrehearsed realities.
looking for mischief and sexy subtleties.
putting on a knowing smile.
and you better believe
i won't be back for a while.
so many times i've played out different interactions, dreams, ideas, conversations in my head ... leaving myself well-rehearsed for an unlived life.
why do i feel the need to have everything perfectly figured out in my head before taking a leap? i've always been like that. i'm terrible at improvisation. but once i've practiced and practiced and gotten it right, i feel a thousand times more sure of myself. i like having control of what happens, knowing that i'm in the driver's seat.
but, then... surprises and unexpected events are what make a life. and how you process them, gracefully or otherwise, shapes the outcomes.
if i keep imagining my life how i think it ought to be, i'm going to miss it completely. if i let my issues flatten me on the sidewalk time and time again, i'm never going to rise above them. if i wallow in this place which makes me a victim, i'm never going to be happy. and i'm sick to death of being a victim.
rehearsing unrehearsed realities.
looking for mischief and sexy subtleties.
putting on a knowing smile.
and you better believe
i won't be back for a while.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
A letter I probably won't send.
________,
Your kiss was everything.
Your arms: gentle and strong.
You saw beyond my body.
You were considerate and honest.
You were genuine.
I felt protected and appreciated.
I loved being touched by you.
But the whole thing was cheapened.
Cheapened because we are both willing to leave it there, where admittedly it might belong, instead of looking eachother in the eye. Which I doubt we've ever done. I mean really looked. I could probably dwell in the depths of your eyes forever, but I've rarely, if ever, been given the chance. Either that, or I have and didn't take it. So tell me, how can we be so intrigued and drawn to eachother yet be so removed from the reality of ourselves? Therein lies the problem, I guess.
I have issues. You have issues. Hell, we've all got issues. But using that as an excuse not to give this a chance is cheap. I know I'm not a psychiatrist, but I could prescribe you everything I have. I can't promise a cure or even improvement, but I can promise I'll be all of me for you. There's not much more I can offer.
You want answers, solutions, results NOW. I admit it'd be nice to know where I'll end up, if I'll get that happy ending we all long for. But endings mean the fun part is over. The journey, the pain, the boredom, the uncertainty, the madness - if we've reached the end, it means all of that is over. And unless the end of the road equals me as an old, happy lady sitting on my front porch in a rocking chair with one or more people I love, I am in no rush to get there. Because in not rushing I'll have ensured that my memories and experiences are worth looking back on. In not expecting immediate results - and in their absense, moving on without second thought or glance - I'm allowing for growth.
You've been in the back of my mind for years. I don't know what it is. But the something that keeps you alive inside me is still here, wishing that you might look at me, let me look at you, and realize this just might be worth it.
love.
Your kiss was everything.
Your arms: gentle and strong.
You saw beyond my body.
You were considerate and honest.
You were genuine.
I felt protected and appreciated.
I loved being touched by you.
But the whole thing was cheapened.
Cheapened because we are both willing to leave it there, where admittedly it might belong, instead of looking eachother in the eye. Which I doubt we've ever done. I mean really looked. I could probably dwell in the depths of your eyes forever, but I've rarely, if ever, been given the chance. Either that, or I have and didn't take it. So tell me, how can we be so intrigued and drawn to eachother yet be so removed from the reality of ourselves? Therein lies the problem, I guess.
I have issues. You have issues. Hell, we've all got issues. But using that as an excuse not to give this a chance is cheap. I know I'm not a psychiatrist, but I could prescribe you everything I have. I can't promise a cure or even improvement, but I can promise I'll be all of me for you. There's not much more I can offer.
You want answers, solutions, results NOW. I admit it'd be nice to know where I'll end up, if I'll get that happy ending we all long for. But endings mean the fun part is over. The journey, the pain, the boredom, the uncertainty, the madness - if we've reached the end, it means all of that is over. And unless the end of the road equals me as an old, happy lady sitting on my front porch in a rocking chair with one or more people I love, I am in no rush to get there. Because in not rushing I'll have ensured that my memories and experiences are worth looking back on. In not expecting immediate results - and in their absense, moving on without second thought or glance - I'm allowing for growth.
You've been in the back of my mind for years. I don't know what it is. But the something that keeps you alive inside me is still here, wishing that you might look at me, let me look at you, and realize this just might be worth it.
love.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Monday, May 01, 2006
my catch 22
... is paradoxical endings.
they mark accomplishments (or failures, whichever the case may be). they mark a closing of one moment and an opening of the next.
they can tear your heart out. they can inflate your ego. they can scare the living bajeebers out of you. they can induce the highest high of hope....
but at the moment, i'm feeling an overwhelming melancholy. this happens to me at every endpoint in my life. my gut churns into knots and my heels dig holes in the ground. i don't want change. ever. at least not right when it's about to happen.
don't get me wrong. i love possibility and the unknown. and i really do love change. but in the beginning, i never want to give up the comfort, the safety, and the love i found in the last beginning of my life. because that inevitably means i risk losing part of what made that time wonderful.
and right now i want to bask in this beginning's wonder before it ends. which, i suppose if i had to name a date, is this saturday when i graduate. and then when vanessa leaves. and then when mikey leaves. and any other number of dates where people leave the moments which marked my last beginning behind.
i just hope the next one is as magical as the last.
they mark accomplishments (or failures, whichever the case may be). they mark a closing of one moment and an opening of the next.
they can tear your heart out. they can inflate your ego. they can scare the living bajeebers out of you. they can induce the highest high of hope....
but at the moment, i'm feeling an overwhelming melancholy. this happens to me at every endpoint in my life. my gut churns into knots and my heels dig holes in the ground. i don't want change. ever. at least not right when it's about to happen.
don't get me wrong. i love possibility and the unknown. and i really do love change. but in the beginning, i never want to give up the comfort, the safety, and the love i found in the last beginning of my life. because that inevitably means i risk losing part of what made that time wonderful.
and right now i want to bask in this beginning's wonder before it ends. which, i suppose if i had to name a date, is this saturday when i graduate. and then when vanessa leaves. and then when mikey leaves. and any other number of dates where people leave the moments which marked my last beginning behind.
i just hope the next one is as magical as the last.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
sometimes i sit with eyes unfocused and stare into the future, wondering what or who is heading my way. this time last year i had no idea the memories, relationships, and challenges that were in store for me. within the past 300 some odd days i've met some people that are becoming irreversibly important to me, and what a beautiful surprise that is. i've been hurt and let down, and from that have learned a little more about the many shades of me. i've found some semblance of a professional hidden within this sometimes silly, easily distractable girl who is finally starting to see herself as a woman. i've had a lot of sleepless nights, some due to school and some debauchery, but i don't know anyone in their right mind who'd ever want to sleep those moments away. those moments: the kind that string together a priceless thread that weaves together experiences i could never have expected. and i say priceless not because they were extravegant or flashy or 'high class', but because they were real and they meant something to me. so if so much meaning could make it's way into one measily year, i wonder what life has in store for me in the next one. and, like a kid on the eve of her 10th birthday, i can't wait.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
a lil sumpin sumpin about me
hi, my name's tina, and i'm smack dab in the middle of things - in limbo between becoming a responsible adult and being a rambunctious little kid. maybe someday i'll find a compromise between the two.....
the ocean lulls me into a trance. sneezing is wonderful (coughing is not). so is laughing so hard you fall to the ground. i like people who tell me when i'm being an idiot... but only when i really am. i could listen to a guitar player play all day. i could sit beside a camp fire all night.
fireflies and mist make fairytales alive. when i walk through a city i notice things like half ripped posters on graffitied walls or a piece of ribbon sailing on the breeze.
i eat really slow. i like to walk slow, too. i'd rather take my time and enjoy someone's company. but mostly i'm caught in a conundrum of moving too fast.
i consider 'weird' a compliment. i like to say 'wicked' a lot. comfy pants and a big sweater are the best. heels are hot. but more often, bare feet are the way of the wise. i like to change my hair. i once turned it orange. but i really should have been born a red head. i miss my nose ring. i miss my puppy. headbanging is great. having people surprise you is even greater.
i'm a lot of things and i'm one thing.
complex and simple.
loud and quiet.
crazy and calm.
.......................................................... all rolled into me.
the ocean lulls me into a trance. sneezing is wonderful (coughing is not). so is laughing so hard you fall to the ground. i like people who tell me when i'm being an idiot... but only when i really am. i could listen to a guitar player play all day. i could sit beside a camp fire all night.
fireflies and mist make fairytales alive. when i walk through a city i notice things like half ripped posters on graffitied walls or a piece of ribbon sailing on the breeze.
i eat really slow. i like to walk slow, too. i'd rather take my time and enjoy someone's company. but mostly i'm caught in a conundrum of moving too fast.
i consider 'weird' a compliment. i like to say 'wicked' a lot. comfy pants and a big sweater are the best. heels are hot. but more often, bare feet are the way of the wise. i like to change my hair. i once turned it orange. but i really should have been born a red head. i miss my nose ring. i miss my puppy. headbanging is great. having people surprise you is even greater.
i'm a lot of things and i'm one thing.
complex and simple.
loud and quiet.
crazy and calm.
.......................................................... all rolled into me.
am i really that scary though?
no. but you're a woman who knows what she wants and that can be pretty intimidating for a guy.
_______________________________________________________
first of all. i'm sick of that shit. grow some balls and step up to the plate.
_______________________________________________________
and second of all. i think i know what i want. i think i know who i am. but time after time after time i feel overshadowed by the people i love the most. and i feel like that essence within me is squelched by insecurites and doubt.
why is it so hard to
no. but you're a woman who knows what she wants and that can be pretty intimidating for a guy.
_______________________________________________________
first of all. i'm sick of that shit. grow some balls and step up to the plate.
_______________________________________________________
and second of all. i think i know what i want. i think i know who i am. but time after time after time i feel overshadowed by the people i love the most. and i feel like that essence within me is squelched by insecurites and doubt.
why is it so hard to
just
be
Sunday, April 09, 2006
i'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack
mwahahahaha.....
it's that time again. the sun just looks warmer and it sets with a wink and a smile, challenging you to predict what she has in store for tomorrow. the stars ask you out for midnight walks and the moon taunts as you try to swing so high you could kick him in the rear. laughter floats on breezes that smell of barbecue and friends. the open road beckons. the inner imp-child wants to come out and play, and cause whole heaps of trouble.
and i can't wait for it all to unfold as it will.
goals for this summer:
it's that time again. the sun just looks warmer and it sets with a wink and a smile, challenging you to predict what she has in store for tomorrow. the stars ask you out for midnight walks and the moon taunts as you try to swing so high you could kick him in the rear. laughter floats on breezes that smell of barbecue and friends. the open road beckons. the inner imp-child wants to come out and play, and cause whole heaps of trouble.
and i can't wait for it all to unfold as it will.
goals for this summer:
- take lots of walks - at night, in the woods, on the ocean, in cities, alone, with someone i can talk to for hours
- play on playgrounds
- take a few road trips
- read lots of books (at least one or two per week)
- write lots of words (everyday!)
- dance the night away many times
- listen to lots of music (live and otherwise)(hartford jazz fest)
- find happy places to visit
- speak only the truth - and only listen to the truth
- read the newspaper everyday
- only spend time with people i really want to
- spend lots of time with grandma and grandpa
- write real letters to people
- visit with sawrah, mere, debbie, marie
- brainstorm fun units/lessons/activities
- make a dance show that i'm proud of
- subscribe to 3 publications (the new yorker, english journal, ?)
- wear sunscreen
and perhaps the biggest goal of all -------------->
to get this "thing," whatever it is, going again. even if we only do mass emails back and forth to keep in touch. we need to keep our sights on the things that are truly important... and i can't think of a single thing more important than this dream we have and you three.
one love.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
how did i do it? how did i manage to let my guard down... those defenses that have kept me from this for so long.
~this~
my insecurity. my doubt. my distrust in men. my self subscribed loneliness.
yes, i'm lonely. and i'm sad.
wah. i know. melodrama melodrama melodrama. but sometimes i just want to be held. i just want someone who will kiss me on the forehead and say i'm beautiful. that all of the craziness, the greyness, the din... it is insubstantial, and this. this feeling. this touch. this breath. this kiss. is all i need to think about. this moment is it.
~it~
all that matters. forget the stress. forget the pain. forget the guilt. forget the fear that i will never measure up to the vision i have of myself. forget the fear that i will never fall in love. forget the fear that my life will tick tock tick tock away with no effect. nothing. who am i? what have i done? what difference did i make? what will they say when i'm gone? ...... what?
i look in the mirror and stare at a face i can't pinpoint. it fluctuates. it fades. it spinswirls around with no destination. no home.
the beginnings swarm. the middles infest. but to what end? where will this surreality lead?
this i can say for sure:
this face wants more.
this face will smile and laugh and discuss and argue for as long as it exists.
this face is attached to a body that houses a soul that holds irreplaceable passion.
and this face that is attached to a body that houses an irreplaceable soul cries tears of sadness and joy.
it feels.
and it yearns for peace.
it exists through ages.
it transcends this moment, this hour, this day, this year, this lifetime.
it participates and partakes in a larger reality, a larger plan.
one that few recognize or accept.
one that crochets us all together in a web of humanity and refuses us the easy way out.
life
is
tough
but
it
is
worth
the
challenge
.... it has to be.
~this~
my insecurity. my doubt. my distrust in men. my self subscribed loneliness.
yes, i'm lonely. and i'm sad.
wah. i know. melodrama melodrama melodrama. but sometimes i just want to be held. i just want someone who will kiss me on the forehead and say i'm beautiful. that all of the craziness, the greyness, the din... it is insubstantial, and this. this feeling. this touch. this breath. this kiss. is all i need to think about. this moment is it.
~it~
all that matters. forget the stress. forget the pain. forget the guilt. forget the fear that i will never measure up to the vision i have of myself. forget the fear that i will never fall in love. forget the fear that my life will tick tock tick tock away with no effect. nothing. who am i? what have i done? what difference did i make? what will they say when i'm gone? ...... what?
i look in the mirror and stare at a face i can't pinpoint. it fluctuates. it fades. it spinswirls around with no destination. no home.
the beginnings swarm. the middles infest. but to what end? where will this surreality lead?
this i can say for sure:
this face wants more.
this face will smile and laugh and discuss and argue for as long as it exists.
this face is attached to a body that houses a soul that holds irreplaceable passion.
and this face that is attached to a body that houses an irreplaceable soul cries tears of sadness and joy.
it feels.
and it yearns for peace.
it exists through ages.
it transcends this moment, this hour, this day, this year, this lifetime.
it participates and partakes in a larger reality, a larger plan.
one that few recognize or accept.
one that crochets us all together in a web of humanity and refuses us the easy way out.
life
is
tough
but
it
is
worth
the
challenge
.... it has to be.
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