my catch 22

... is paradoxical endings.

they mark accomplishments (or failures, whichever the case may be). they mark a closing of one moment and an opening of the next.

they can tear your heart out. they can inflate your ego. they can scare the living bajeebers out of you. they can induce the highest high of hope....

but at the moment, i'm feeling an overwhelming melancholy. this happens to me at every endpoint in my life. my gut churns into knots and my heels dig holes in the ground. i don't want change. ever. at least not right when it's about to happen.

don't get me wrong. i love possibility and the unknown. and i really do love change. but in the beginning, i never want to give up the comfort, the safety, and the love i found in the last beginning of my life. because that inevitably means i risk losing part of what made that time wonderful.

and right now i want to bask in this beginning's wonder before it ends. which, i suppose if i had to name a date, is this saturday when i graduate. and then when vanessa leaves. and then when mikey leaves. and any other number of dates where people leave the moments which marked my last beginning behind.

i just hope the next one is as magical as the last.