sometimes i sit with eyes unfocused and stare into the future, wondering what or who is heading my way. this time last year i had no idea the memories, relationships, and challenges that were in store for me. within the past 300 some odd days i've met some people that are becoming irreversibly important to me, and what a beautiful surprise that is. i've been hurt and let down, and from that have learned a little more about the many shades of me. i've found some semblance of a professional hidden within this sometimes silly, easily distractable girl who is finally starting to see herself as a woman. i've had a lot of sleepless nights, some due to school and some debauchery, but i don't know anyone in their right mind who'd ever want to sleep those moments away. those moments: the kind that string together a priceless thread that weaves together experiences i could never have expected. and i say priceless not because they were extravegant or flashy or 'high class', but because they were real and they meant something to me. so if so much meaning could make it's way into one measily year, i wonder what life has in store for me in the next one. and, like a kid on the eve of her 10th birthday, i can't wait.

a lil sumpin sumpin about me

hi, my name's tina, and i'm smack dab in the middle of things - in limbo between becoming a responsible adult and being a rambunctious little kid. maybe someday i'll find a compromise between the two.....

the ocean lulls me into a trance. sneezing is wonderful (coughing is not). so is laughing so hard you fall to the ground. i like people who tell me when i'm being an idiot... but only when i really am. i could listen to a guitar player play all day. i could sit beside a camp fire all night.

fireflies and mist make fairytales alive. when i walk through a city i notice things like half ripped posters on graffitied walls or a piece of ribbon sailing on the breeze.

i eat really slow. i like to walk slow, too. i'd rather take my time and enjoy someone's company. but mostly i'm caught in a conundrum of moving too fast.

i consider 'weird' a compliment. i like to say 'wicked' a lot. comfy pants and a big sweater are the best. heels are hot. but more often, bare feet are the way of the wise. i like to change my hair. i once turned it orange. but i really should have been born a red head. i miss my nose ring. i miss my puppy. headbanging is great. having people surprise you is even greater.

i'm a lot of things and i'm one thing.

complex and simple.

loud and quiet.

crazy and calm.
.......................................................... all rolled into me.

am i really that scary though?

no. but you're a woman who knows what she wants and that can be pretty intimidating for a guy.
_______________________________________________________

first of all. i'm sick of that shit. grow some balls and step up to the plate.
_______________________________________________________

and second of all. i think i know what i want. i think i know who i am. but time after time after time i feel overshadowed by the people i love the most. and i feel like that essence within me is squelched by insecurites and doubt.

why is it so hard to

just

be

i'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

mwahahahaha.....

it's that time again. the sun just looks warmer and it sets with a wink and a smile, challenging you to predict what she has in store for tomorrow. the stars ask you out for midnight walks and the moon taunts as you try to swing so high you could kick him in the rear. laughter floats on breezes that smell of barbecue and friends. the open road beckons. the inner imp-child wants to come out and play, and cause whole heaps of trouble.

and i can't wait for it all to unfold as it will.

goals for this summer:

• take lots of walks - at night, in the woods, on the ocean, in cities, alone, with someone i can talk to for hours
• play on playgrounds
• take a few road trips
• read lots of books (at least one or two per week)
• write lots of words (everyday!)
• dance the night away many times
• listen to lots of music (live and otherwise)(hartford jazz fest)
• find happy places to visit
• speak only the truth - and only listen to the truth
• read the newspaper everyday
• only spend time with people i really want to
• spend lots of time with grandma and grandpa
• write real letters to people
• visit with sawrah, mere, debbie, marie
• brainstorm fun units/lessons/activities
• make a dance show that i'm proud of
• subscribe to 3 publications (the new yorker, english journal, ?)
• wear sunscreen

and perhaps the biggest goal of all -------------->

to get this "thing," whatever it is, going again. even if we only do mass emails back and forth to keep in touch. we need to keep our sights on the things that are truly important... and i can't think of a single thing more important than this dream we have and you three.

one love.

how did i do it? how did i manage to let my guard down... those defenses that have kept me from this for so long.

~this~

my insecurity. my doubt. my distrust in men. my self subscribed loneliness.
yes, i'm lonely. and i'm sad.

wah. i know. melodrama melodrama melodrama. but sometimes i just want to be held. i just want someone who will kiss me on the forehead and say i'm beautiful. that all of the craziness, the greyness, the din... it is insubstantial, and this. this feeling. this touch. this breath. this kiss. is all i need to think about. this moment is it.

~it~

all that matters. forget the stress. forget the pain. forget the guilt. forget the fear that i will never measure up to the vision i have of myself. forget the fear that i will never fall in love. forget the fear that my life will tick tock tick tock away with no effect. nothing. who am i? what have i done? what difference did i make? what will they say when i'm gone? ...... what?


i look in the mirror and stare at a face i can't pinpoint. it fluctuates. it fades. it spinswirls around with no destination. no home.


the beginnings swarm. the middles infest. but to what end? where will this surreality lead?


this i can say for sure:

this face wants more.
this face will smile and laugh and discuss and argue for as long as it exists.
this face is attached to a body that houses a soul that holds irreplaceable passion.
and this face that is attached to a body that houses an irreplaceable soul cries tears of sadness and joy.
it feels.
and it yearns for peace.
it exists through ages.
it transcends this moment, this hour, this day, this year, this lifetime.
it participates and partakes in a larger reality, a larger plan.
one that few recognize or accept.
one that crochets us all together in a web of humanity and refuses us the easy way out.


life
is
tough

but
it
is
worth
the
challenge






.... it has to be.

i want to
hit the road
on a path unknown


i'm going to
break up with Hurt
blow off Regret


screw you guys,
i've gotta date with destiny


with the wind flowin'
hair flailin'
tunes blarin'


all i need is me
and my dreams


to
blaze
my
days


with hope