how did i do it? how did i manage to let my guard down... those defenses that have kept me from this for so long.

~this~

my insecurity. my doubt. my distrust in men. my self subscribed loneliness.
yes, i'm lonely. and i'm sad.

wah. i know. melodrama melodrama melodrama. but sometimes i just want to be held. i just want someone who will kiss me on the forehead and say i'm beautiful. that all of the craziness, the greyness, the din... it is insubstantial, and this. this feeling. this touch. this breath. this kiss. is all i need to think about. this moment is it.

~it~

all that matters. forget the stress. forget the pain. forget the guilt. forget the fear that i will never measure up to the vision i have of myself. forget the fear that i will never fall in love. forget the fear that my life will tick tock tick tock away with no effect. nothing. who am i? what have i done? what difference did i make? what will they say when i'm gone? ...... what?


i look in the mirror and stare at a face i can't pinpoint. it fluctuates. it fades. it spinswirls around with no destination. no home.


the beginnings swarm. the middles infest. but to what end? where will this surreality lead?


this i can say for sure:

this face wants more.
this face will smile and laugh and discuss and argue for as long as it exists.
this face is attached to a body that houses a soul that holds irreplaceable passion.
and this face that is attached to a body that houses an irreplaceable soul cries tears of sadness and joy.
it feels.
and it yearns for peace.
it exists through ages.
it transcends this moment, this hour, this day, this year, this lifetime.
it participates and partakes in a larger reality, a larger plan.
one that few recognize or accept.
one that crochets us all together in a web of humanity and refuses us the easy way out.


life
is
tough

but
it
is
worth
the
challenge






.... it has to be.