ian. your last post could possibly evolve into an extension of the musician portion of my theme.

let me grab your ears
and stear you brothers and sisters
to our spot over here

we got words flowin forth
tryin to set your minds on the course
to recognize the tension
and unsettling force

looming everyday gaining power in any way
getting us all to turn our heads,
lock our lips
and shrink away

peace to you. peace to them
let's bring on the Peace Zen

listen for a moment
to put some action after "then"

there could be a dance (and a corresponding song) where you are center stage on a stool with an acoustic guitar. you are in the process of writing this song. in bits and pieces it evolves into something you are happy with. and in the middle perhaps there could be a break of frustration... or an interjection of your monologue's sentiments.

what you think?

calling all crazy cats

hey.

i'm doing this dance show.
i need some creative catharsis in my life.
and i need all the help i can get from yall!

assignment: write some words about being an artist in the middle of things - things specific to your craft or not. the four monologues/poems are going to stand alone and also be intertwined with eachother by the end of the show.

the only stipulations (as of now): write truthfully. try for some vivid language, interesting sounds, and power (even if it's a gentle power).

please do this soon so lizzi and i can look at it and arrange them together somehow. i'm going to try and start rehearsals in a couple weeks. i'm going to try to have the performance the second week in august. and again, i can't emphasize enough... i'm going to need your help.

loves.

doing hard time in the cells of my brain

let love in
say peace to conflict
take a long look around you
and roll the fuck out

oh. and saurkraut.

having too vivid imagination is my downfall.

so many times i've played out different interactions, dreams, ideas, conversations in my head ... leaving myself well-rehearsed for an unlived life.

why do i feel the need to have everything perfectly figured out in my head before taking a leap? i've always been like that. i'm terrible at improvisation. but once i've practiced and practiced and gotten it right, i feel a thousand times more sure of myself. i like having control of what happens, knowing that i'm in the driver's seat.

but, then... surprises and unexpected events are what make a life. and how you process them, gracefully or otherwise, shapes the outcomes.

if i keep imagining my life how i think it ought to be, i'm going to miss it completely. if i let my issues flatten me on the sidewalk time and time again, i'm never going to rise above them. if i wallow in this place which makes me a victim, i'm never going to be happy. and i'm sick to death of being a victim.

rehearsing unrehearsed realities.
looking for mischief and sexy subtleties.
putting on a knowing smile.
and you better believe
i won't be back for a while.

A letter I probably won't send.

________,

Your kiss was everything.
Your arms: gentle and strong.
You saw beyond my body.
You were considerate and honest.
You were genuine.

I felt protected and appreciated.
I loved being touched by you.

But the whole thing was cheapened.

Cheapened because we are both willing to leave it there, where admittedly it might belong, instead of looking eachother in the eye. Which I doubt we've ever done. I mean really looked. I could probably dwell in the depths of your eyes forever, but I've rarely, if ever, been given the chance. Either that, or I have and didn't take it. So tell me, how can we be so intrigued and drawn to eachother yet be so removed from the reality of ourselves? Therein lies the problem, I guess.

I have issues. You have issues. Hell, we've all got issues. But using that as an excuse not to give this a chance is cheap. I know I'm not a psychiatrist, but I could prescribe you everything I have. I can't promise a cure or even improvement, but I can promise I'll be all of me for you. There's not much more I can offer.

You want answers, solutions, results NOW. I admit it'd be nice to know where I'll end up, if I'll get that happy ending we all long for. But endings mean the fun part is over. The journey, the pain, the boredom, the uncertainty, the madness - if we've reached the end, it means all of that is over. And unless the end of the road equals me as an old, happy lady sitting on my front porch in a rocking chair with one or more people I love, I am in no rush to get there. Because in not rushing I'll have ensured that my memories and experiences are worth looking back on. In not expecting immediate results - and in their absense, moving on without second thought or glance - I'm allowing for growth.

You've been in the back of my mind for years. I don't know what it is. But the something that keeps you alive inside me is still here, wishing that you might look at me, let me look at you, and realize this just might be worth it.

love.

well.

that was a pleasant surprise.

my catch 22

... is paradoxical endings.

they mark accomplishments (or failures, whichever the case may be). they mark a closing of one moment and an opening of the next.

they can tear your heart out. they can inflate your ego. they can scare the living bajeebers out of you. they can induce the highest high of hope....

but at the moment, i'm feeling an overwhelming melancholy. this happens to me at every endpoint in my life. my gut churns into knots and my heels dig holes in the ground. i don't want change. ever. at least not right when it's about to happen.

don't get me wrong. i love possibility and the unknown. and i really do love change. but in the beginning, i never want to give up the comfort, the safety, and the love i found in the last beginning of my life. because that inevitably means i risk losing part of what made that time wonderful.

and right now i want to bask in this beginning's wonder before it ends. which, i suppose if i had to name a date, is this saturday when i graduate. and then when vanessa leaves. and then when mikey leaves. and any other number of dates where people leave the moments which marked my last beginning behind.

i just hope the next one is as magical as the last.