It seems to be a constant struggle, a constant process. The good news is that it is progressing. Every day I make strides, whether small or large, towards that version of me that I will be proud of. Every day I begin understanding that this journey will probably never be truly over. And that is ok. And I am ok with that.
Keys to my success--as I see it--
**Listening - truly - to self, to body, to spirit, to mind - also to OTHERS
**Loving all of me - weaknesses and strengths
**Letting my WALL come down - allowing love and true relationships in
**Creating - whether in writing, theater, dance, or other forms
**Embracing change.
**Respecting the past (and forgiving it), embracing the present (and loving it), looking optimistically toward the future (and planning for it).
..I think that is a noble start.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Know thyself...
I took a personality test--very interesting!
Life as an ENFP
(Extravert, Intuitive, Feeler, Perceiver)
People of this type tend to be: enthusiastic, talkative, and outgoing; clever, curious, and playful; deeply caring, sensitive, and gentle; highly innovative, creative, optimistic, and unique; adaptable and resourceful but sometimes disorganized.
The most important thing to ENFPs is freedom to see possibilities, make connections, and be with a variety of people.
Here are just a few popular and often satisfying careers for people whose Personality Type is ENFP.
• Advertising account executive
• Career / outplacement counselor
• Management consultant
• Developer of educational software
• Actor
• Journalist / magazine reporter
• Graphics designer
• Art director
• Copy writer
• Corporate team trainer
• Residential housing director
• Psychologist
• Inventor
• Human resources profession
• Child welfare counselor
How to Love an ENFP
• Appreciate my creativity, curiosity, and uniqueness.
• Tell me how much I mean to you and be patient with my need to process how I feel privately before sharing it with you.
• Re-establish harmony quickly.
• Support my need to try new experiences and maintain my many friendships.
• Try not force decisions too quickly, or bug me about being messy.
• Above all - encourage me to keep growing, changing, and experimenting with life.
The Joys and Challenges of Raising ENFPs:
They are creative, original, and full of new ideas, but may start many more projects than they finish. They tend to be impulsive, adaptable, and curious but are also distractible, disorganized, have great difficulty making decisions.
What works with ENFPs:
• be patient with their endless questions; encourage their curiosity and fantasies
• encourage their desire to think out loud; help them make decisions by bouncing possible outcomes off you
• be a supportive confidant but don't try to talk them out of their feelings
Parents of ENFPs: they'll know you really love them when you...
enthusiastically listen to their many ideas or go for a spontaneous adventure.
How to Spot ENFPs:
• high energy, friendly, and good natured
• imaginative, fun loving, and off beat
• curious; discussions shift quickly from one topic to another
• warm, concerned, and eager to help solve problems
Tips for Communicating with ENFPs:
• Focus on interesting and innovative possibilities and new ways of solving problems
• Don't overwhelm them with facts and details
• Keep things relaxed, warm and flexible
Life as an ENFP
(Extravert, Intuitive, Feeler, Perceiver)
People of this type tend to be: enthusiastic, talkative, and outgoing; clever, curious, and playful; deeply caring, sensitive, and gentle; highly innovative, creative, optimistic, and unique; adaptable and resourceful but sometimes disorganized.
The most important thing to ENFPs is freedom to see possibilities, make connections, and be with a variety of people.
Here are just a few popular and often satisfying careers for people whose Personality Type is ENFP.
• Advertising account executive
• Career / outplacement counselor
• Management consultant
• Developer of educational software
• Actor
• Journalist / magazine reporter
• Graphics designer
• Art director
• Copy writer
• Corporate team trainer
• Residential housing director
• Psychologist
• Inventor
• Human resources profession
• Child welfare counselor
How to Love an ENFP
• Appreciate my creativity, curiosity, and uniqueness.
• Tell me how much I mean to you and be patient with my need to process how I feel privately before sharing it with you.
• Re-establish harmony quickly.
• Support my need to try new experiences and maintain my many friendships.
• Try not force decisions too quickly, or bug me about being messy.
• Above all - encourage me to keep growing, changing, and experimenting with life.
The Joys and Challenges of Raising ENFPs:
They are creative, original, and full of new ideas, but may start many more projects than they finish. They tend to be impulsive, adaptable, and curious but are also distractible, disorganized, have great difficulty making decisions.
What works with ENFPs:
• be patient with their endless questions; encourage their curiosity and fantasies
• encourage their desire to think out loud; help them make decisions by bouncing possible outcomes off you
• be a supportive confidant but don't try to talk them out of their feelings
Parents of ENFPs: they'll know you really love them when you...
enthusiastically listen to their many ideas or go for a spontaneous adventure.
How to Spot ENFPs:
• high energy, friendly, and good natured
• imaginative, fun loving, and off beat
• curious; discussions shift quickly from one topic to another
• warm, concerned, and eager to help solve problems
Tips for Communicating with ENFPs:
• Focus on interesting and innovative possibilities and new ways of solving problems
• Don't overwhelm them with facts and details
• Keep things relaxed, warm and flexible
Saturday, April 12, 2008
The goodbye letter...
________,
I walked into grad school thinking, hoping I would find someone who was worth finding. Someone who was interested in the same things I was, someone who would treat me with respect, and someone who would challenge me. Mostly though, I was hoping to find someone to love me. That’s what everyone wants, isn’t it? To love and to be loved? It’s the greatest, most elusive quest in life. I strive for it every day.
I thought maybe I’d walk out of grad school with a happy ending—it didn’t happen that way. But I’m realizing now that I don’t want to fast forward to the endings, but to remain happily in the middle of my life…at least for now. And in that middle, I’m finding a multitude of things: new friends, new feelings, new hurts, and new versions of myself. Maybe that’s the beauty of that thing they call living, learning, and growing up. Where some might get upset or depressed because we’re no longer in high school or in college or what have you, I cherish each new day and experience—good or bad.
I’ve known you for just about two and a half years now, and in the time I’ve known you, it seems like you’ve been struggling with the same issue. That is a long time to be struggling with one thing. And I realize I haven’t been as involved in your life as I was at the start of all this, so I could be completely off base. If that is the case, forgive me and forget I ever opened my mouth, but I have some things to say.
You and me, whatever it was or is or has become, I think at one point we understood each other. We had a connection, a real one. The kind where you look at the other person and know what they’re thinking or what they want to tell you. The kind where you want to share every story immediately after it happens, however big or small. The kind where you can spend an entire day together doing nothing, but still feel totally entertained. That is the kind of connection I live for, and connections like that don’t come around every day. So, again, please forgive me if I’m speaking out of turn, but I think I’ve held my tongue long enough. And I think I’ve earned a right to speak.
I’ve had this story that I wanted to tell you for, oh I don’t know, several months. But the “right” time has never arisen. I could never really figure out a way to insert this into conversation: “Hey, by the way, I think you might be making a mistake with Girlfriend.” No matter which way you slice it, I look like a shit head. Either I look like I’m trying to weasel my way into your life by taking a cheap shot at your relationship, or I look like the unsupportive friend, or I just look desperate. My motivation is so far from all of those things, and I hope you can see that. Like I said, at one point we “got” each other, so my hope is that you can see past the initial sliminess of this letter to my true intentions—my closure and your happiness.
When I started working, we had just finished my dance show, we were starting to run together, and we were trying, ever so desperately, to remain friends despite Her being uncomfortable with it. I began to understand her, you know, but tried not to admit it, because that meant losing you. She had a point—even though we were preaching righteous, platonic friendship, the essential point was that you were willing to discard her feelings to protect mine, or was it to protect yours? The thing is, my feelings were hurt repeatedly through the whole debacle. And I tried to make you believe everything was fine. It wasn’t. And that’s why I stopped coming to the gym and calling all the time. I had to make a conscious choice for my conscience and my sanity: I had to remove myself from your life (or lessen the degree to which I was involved in it). And I think I did that.
So, story time—here goes. Once upon a time, there was a stereotypically hot, blonde bombshell working as a first year teacher. But she was so much more than the stereotype. She was smart, fun, supportive, compassionate, and wonderful. You know her as my roommate, but before that, she was my friend. And we supported each other. We nicknamed you “Running Man” and she helped me see that I needed distance from the whole thing; it was becoming unhealthy for me. And in return, I listened to her when she needed an ear, especially when her world started spinning out of control. The spinning began when a charming, intelligent, witty Italian man decided to fall in love with her. The problem was….drum roll, please…he was married and had two beautiful children at home.
Being this person's close friend, and also being friendly with both of them, I was privy to most of the drama—the complexity of it all, and also the history behind it. From what I gather, the single biggest cause of this was his choice to get married when he wasn’t ready, when everyone expected it of him, when it seemed like the only next option in his life. He got married, swore his undying love and devotion, to a woman that he later wasn’t convinced he was in love with or was going to be truly happy with. All because he couldn’t hurt her feelings. And now there are children involved.
He was moments away from ending his marriage to start a new relationship with this young woman. But when he had to look his little boy in the face and tell him Daddy was leaving him, it all fell to pieces. He punked out, again. He was unable to listen to his feelings, to make a decision based on HIM, on what would make HIM happy. This time, it was the right decision; I truly believe that. But I know how much it has torn apart his marriage, how much it has hurt my friend, and how much it has thrown him into a dizzying bout of self-doubt and misery. This time, he has the responsibility to two children to do the right thing, to follow through with the expected next step.
But before marriage… had he truly considered his options and truly listened to himself, would he have made a different decision? Would he now be in his early forties wondering if he could have been happier? I don’t know the answer to those things. But it does make you wonder.
It seems I’ve been hearing story after story this year about people feeling stuck or feeling obligated to stay in a relationship or take it to the next level when they weren’t sure. One of my childhood friends is one of those people. The blonde bombshell's childhood friend is another. I’ve recently heard of a new trend in dating being “starter marriages.” People are often using their first marriage to figure out what they want, and then kids are the marker of the “point of no return.” When did commitment become an obligation?
You are a good person, with a good heart, and good intentions. But I think you might be taking that too far. It is delusional to think you will never hurt others. It is inevitable. The thing is, you have a certain amount of control regarding how much you hurt someone. If you take that next step without being sure, you could be causing a lifetime of hurt. For you and for the person you are trying to protect from just that. You know that witty Italian man I was referring to before? In the throws of his marriage falling apart, his wife asked him, “How much of this was actually real? The dating? The wedding? What?” She is now questioning the entire relationship—her entire adult life with him, what she thought was happy and secure, is now in limbo. I can’t imagine what that must feel like.
For all I know, you’ve already proposed. And if that’s the case, I hope you’re happy, and I hope you’re certain it’s what you want. My understanding was always that you loved her and that you wanted to do the right thing by her. I just hope you’re doing what’s right by you, too.
I guess what I can’t understand is the fact that we can go out with a group of people, after months of not seeing each other and fall right back to that place. If you are so certain that she’s the one, why are you upset you’re not in my life like you once were, and why are you so concerned about “ruining it” (what exactly is it you are ruining, anyway?), and why are you grabbing my hand in the middle of a bar? Why do I get the feeling that you’re dragging your feet? That you’re still not sure?
Can’t you accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, this is not what you want? And that maybe, just maybe, you’d be better off figuring out what it is that you really want?
I don’t know. I went back and forth for a long time, trying to decide if it was my place to say this—if it was a selfish thing, if I had any right. After last Friday, after that look you gave me, and that cryptic text message, I decided it was time. Whether it is my place or not, I need this. And who knows, maybe no one else is saying this to you, and maybe it’s something you need to hear. Again, I don’t know. If this has to be a goodbye letter, so be it. It’s funny—I feel like I’m breaking up with a boyfriend I never had, and so I feel compelled to do this next thing. I want you to know that you showed me a tenderness, a sensitivity, and a supportiveness that I’ve never experienced in a guy before (in my age bracket, at least). For that, I thank you. For the sugar packet fights, the mutual love of music and beer, the Cincinnati trip, the dance show, the NBFB nights, the Bison nights, the car pool, the talks, the support, the friendship…for everything, I thank you. And still, every time we spend together, I’m happy and I see what could be, some day, with some one. I know I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I need, and you have played a significant part in that.
Right now, now that you’ve read these words, I have no expectations. And I will make no judgments. I just needed you to read them, and for better or worse, it truly is “up to you.”
I walked into grad school thinking, hoping I would find someone who was worth finding. Someone who was interested in the same things I was, someone who would treat me with respect, and someone who would challenge me. Mostly though, I was hoping to find someone to love me. That’s what everyone wants, isn’t it? To love and to be loved? It’s the greatest, most elusive quest in life. I strive for it every day.
I thought maybe I’d walk out of grad school with a happy ending—it didn’t happen that way. But I’m realizing now that I don’t want to fast forward to the endings, but to remain happily in the middle of my life…at least for now. And in that middle, I’m finding a multitude of things: new friends, new feelings, new hurts, and new versions of myself. Maybe that’s the beauty of that thing they call living, learning, and growing up. Where some might get upset or depressed because we’re no longer in high school or in college or what have you, I cherish each new day and experience—good or bad.
I’ve known you for just about two and a half years now, and in the time I’ve known you, it seems like you’ve been struggling with the same issue. That is a long time to be struggling with one thing. And I realize I haven’t been as involved in your life as I was at the start of all this, so I could be completely off base. If that is the case, forgive me and forget I ever opened my mouth, but I have some things to say.
You and me, whatever it was or is or has become, I think at one point we understood each other. We had a connection, a real one. The kind where you look at the other person and know what they’re thinking or what they want to tell you. The kind where you want to share every story immediately after it happens, however big or small. The kind where you can spend an entire day together doing nothing, but still feel totally entertained. That is the kind of connection I live for, and connections like that don’t come around every day. So, again, please forgive me if I’m speaking out of turn, but I think I’ve held my tongue long enough. And I think I’ve earned a right to speak.
I’ve had this story that I wanted to tell you for, oh I don’t know, several months. But the “right” time has never arisen. I could never really figure out a way to insert this into conversation: “Hey, by the way, I think you might be making a mistake with Girlfriend.” No matter which way you slice it, I look like a shit head. Either I look like I’m trying to weasel my way into your life by taking a cheap shot at your relationship, or I look like the unsupportive friend, or I just look desperate. My motivation is so far from all of those things, and I hope you can see that. Like I said, at one point we “got” each other, so my hope is that you can see past the initial sliminess of this letter to my true intentions—my closure and your happiness.
When I started working, we had just finished my dance show, we were starting to run together, and we were trying, ever so desperately, to remain friends despite Her being uncomfortable with it. I began to understand her, you know, but tried not to admit it, because that meant losing you. She had a point—even though we were preaching righteous, platonic friendship, the essential point was that you were willing to discard her feelings to protect mine, or was it to protect yours? The thing is, my feelings were hurt repeatedly through the whole debacle. And I tried to make you believe everything was fine. It wasn’t. And that’s why I stopped coming to the gym and calling all the time. I had to make a conscious choice for my conscience and my sanity: I had to remove myself from your life (or lessen the degree to which I was involved in it). And I think I did that.
So, story time—here goes. Once upon a time, there was a stereotypically hot, blonde bombshell working as a first year teacher. But she was so much more than the stereotype. She was smart, fun, supportive, compassionate, and wonderful. You know her as my roommate, but before that, she was my friend. And we supported each other. We nicknamed you “Running Man” and she helped me see that I needed distance from the whole thing; it was becoming unhealthy for me. And in return, I listened to her when she needed an ear, especially when her world started spinning out of control. The spinning began when a charming, intelligent, witty Italian man decided to fall in love with her. The problem was….drum roll, please…he was married and had two beautiful children at home.
Being this person's close friend, and also being friendly with both of them, I was privy to most of the drama—the complexity of it all, and also the history behind it. From what I gather, the single biggest cause of this was his choice to get married when he wasn’t ready, when everyone expected it of him, when it seemed like the only next option in his life. He got married, swore his undying love and devotion, to a woman that he later wasn’t convinced he was in love with or was going to be truly happy with. All because he couldn’t hurt her feelings. And now there are children involved.
He was moments away from ending his marriage to start a new relationship with this young woman. But when he had to look his little boy in the face and tell him Daddy was leaving him, it all fell to pieces. He punked out, again. He was unable to listen to his feelings, to make a decision based on HIM, on what would make HIM happy. This time, it was the right decision; I truly believe that. But I know how much it has torn apart his marriage, how much it has hurt my friend, and how much it has thrown him into a dizzying bout of self-doubt and misery. This time, he has the responsibility to two children to do the right thing, to follow through with the expected next step.
But before marriage… had he truly considered his options and truly listened to himself, would he have made a different decision? Would he now be in his early forties wondering if he could have been happier? I don’t know the answer to those things. But it does make you wonder.
It seems I’ve been hearing story after story this year about people feeling stuck or feeling obligated to stay in a relationship or take it to the next level when they weren’t sure. One of my childhood friends is one of those people. The blonde bombshell's childhood friend is another. I’ve recently heard of a new trend in dating being “starter marriages.” People are often using their first marriage to figure out what they want, and then kids are the marker of the “point of no return.” When did commitment become an obligation?
You are a good person, with a good heart, and good intentions. But I think you might be taking that too far. It is delusional to think you will never hurt others. It is inevitable. The thing is, you have a certain amount of control regarding how much you hurt someone. If you take that next step without being sure, you could be causing a lifetime of hurt. For you and for the person you are trying to protect from just that. You know that witty Italian man I was referring to before? In the throws of his marriage falling apart, his wife asked him, “How much of this was actually real? The dating? The wedding? What?” She is now questioning the entire relationship—her entire adult life with him, what she thought was happy and secure, is now in limbo. I can’t imagine what that must feel like.
For all I know, you’ve already proposed. And if that’s the case, I hope you’re happy, and I hope you’re certain it’s what you want. My understanding was always that you loved her and that you wanted to do the right thing by her. I just hope you’re doing what’s right by you, too.
I guess what I can’t understand is the fact that we can go out with a group of people, after months of not seeing each other and fall right back to that place. If you are so certain that she’s the one, why are you upset you’re not in my life like you once were, and why are you so concerned about “ruining it” (what exactly is it you are ruining, anyway?), and why are you grabbing my hand in the middle of a bar? Why do I get the feeling that you’re dragging your feet? That you’re still not sure?
Can’t you accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, this is not what you want? And that maybe, just maybe, you’d be better off figuring out what it is that you really want?
I don’t know. I went back and forth for a long time, trying to decide if it was my place to say this—if it was a selfish thing, if I had any right. After last Friday, after that look you gave me, and that cryptic text message, I decided it was time. Whether it is my place or not, I need this. And who knows, maybe no one else is saying this to you, and maybe it’s something you need to hear. Again, I don’t know. If this has to be a goodbye letter, so be it. It’s funny—I feel like I’m breaking up with a boyfriend I never had, and so I feel compelled to do this next thing. I want you to know that you showed me a tenderness, a sensitivity, and a supportiveness that I’ve never experienced in a guy before (in my age bracket, at least). For that, I thank you. For the sugar packet fights, the mutual love of music and beer, the Cincinnati trip, the dance show, the NBFB nights, the Bison nights, the car pool, the talks, the support, the friendship…for everything, I thank you. And still, every time we spend together, I’m happy and I see what could be, some day, with some one. I know I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I need, and you have played a significant part in that.
Right now, now that you’ve read these words, I have no expectations. And I will make no judgments. I just needed you to read them, and for better or worse, it truly is “up to you.”
Thursday, July 12, 2007
India Arie--sing it sista
I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I’d quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity
I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I’ve been thinking
Maybe you’re not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I’ll say the same thing
I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won’t complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here
If you give me half a chance
I‘ll prove this to you
I will be patience, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect’s the spirit world
And thinks with his heart
I am ready for love
If you’ll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can
I am ready for love
Here with a offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind
Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love
I am ready…
Why are you hiding from me
I’d quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity
I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I’ve been thinking
Maybe you’re not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I’ll say the same thing
I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won’t complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here
If you give me half a chance
I‘ll prove this to you
I will be patience, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect’s the spirit world
And thinks with his heart
I am ready for love
If you’ll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can
I am ready for love
Here with a offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind
Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love
I am ready…
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
My first directing gig!!
Director’s Note—
Thank you, thank you, thank you to the cast and crew. I am in love with the passion and excitement that I see in every one of our performers—this is why I do what I do. In addition, this particular production crew holds a special place in my heart, as each of them has played a role in my past and continues to enrich my life. To Dan, Margaret, Jim, Nancy, Danielle, and Evan—thanks for everything you do. And to my old-school pals Jeff, Mary, Ernie, and Vince—I’m so lucky to have worked with all of you.
This story, loosely based on Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, has been told for hundreds of years. Shakespeare was not the first to tell it, and Disney will not be the last. What I love about High School Musical is its humor and hope. In it we see traces of the original tragedy, but we also see Disney’s trademark happy ending that is often described as cliché. But I like this cliché. Perhaps we should ask ourselves why we are so drawn to this type of story and why we keep coming back to it. This musical shamelessly ends on a positive note, and I think we can and should learn from that—why can’t we challenge each other to be caring, fearless, and true to ourselves? It seems these traits could improve the quality of life for us all.
It is my honor to work with young people everyday, and I believe we can learn a great deal from them. As Shakespeare’s fourteen-year-old Juliet so wisely questions, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet,” let us too echo High School Musical’s teen inspired anthem. Let us break free from our preconceptions, our stereotypes, our cliques, and realize that we truly are “all in this together!”
Enjoy—And please feel free to laugh heartily, sing loudly, and bebop bravely!
Thank you, thank you, thank you to the cast and crew. I am in love with the passion and excitement that I see in every one of our performers—this is why I do what I do. In addition, this particular production crew holds a special place in my heart, as each of them has played a role in my past and continues to enrich my life. To Dan, Margaret, Jim, Nancy, Danielle, and Evan—thanks for everything you do. And to my old-school pals Jeff, Mary, Ernie, and Vince—I’m so lucky to have worked with all of you.
This story, loosely based on Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, has been told for hundreds of years. Shakespeare was not the first to tell it, and Disney will not be the last. What I love about High School Musical is its humor and hope. In it we see traces of the original tragedy, but we also see Disney’s trademark happy ending that is often described as cliché. But I like this cliché. Perhaps we should ask ourselves why we are so drawn to this type of story and why we keep coming back to it. This musical shamelessly ends on a positive note, and I think we can and should learn from that—why can’t we challenge each other to be caring, fearless, and true to ourselves? It seems these traits could improve the quality of life for us all.
It is my honor to work with young people everyday, and I believe we can learn a great deal from them. As Shakespeare’s fourteen-year-old Juliet so wisely questions, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet,” let us too echo High School Musical’s teen inspired anthem. Let us break free from our preconceptions, our stereotypes, our cliques, and realize that we truly are “all in this together!”
Enjoy—And please feel free to laugh heartily, sing loudly, and bebop bravely!
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Ambiguity
________,
The other day when we talked, I was at a loss for words and answers; thus you did most of the talking—or rather thinking via talking. Maybe if we had more time, I would have been able to do the same. To be honest, though, I'm not sure it would've made a difference. It seems both of us showed up without a plan, and the resulting improvisation became ambiguous fast.
The last thing I want to do is push you into something you don't want; that's not fair to you or me. But I also don't want to leave some of these things unsaid, and now that I've had some more reaction time, here I go:
You asked for my gut feeling, and I want to be clear—I meant it when I said I was disappointed. I don't know when exactly it happened, but my protective wall started to come down. I've found myself wanting to run over, give you a bear hug, and kiss you on the face a number of times this week, and it's frustrating not to feel able to do that. I like being around you, at work and otherwise. And I wouldn't have spent the night if I didn't have any feelings. Like you, that is not who I am, and no matter what happens from here, I want you to know I don't regret a thing.
I know I didn't give you the full back-story, and I don't want to make a bigger deal of this than it needs to be. But it is true that I've never had a boyfriend. I have never had a true, reciprocal relationship: I've dated sporadically; I've fallen hard; I've been mistreated; I've wanted things I couldn't have; I've wallowed in self-pity; and then I've run away. But I think through all of that, and especially this year, I'm discovering what true caring and loyalty looks like. I am finding the qualities I need in relationships of any kind; I know I am stronger for it. And I really don't think I can exist purely on a casual hook-up level.
What I'm hearing from you, however, seems more complicated than that. Your head and your heart and your past experiences are in a major brawl. I conveniently forgot how recent your last break-up was, and it doesn't sound like you've fully digested your reaction. I think you need to take care of that hurt, confusion, distrust…whatever it is. You owe that to yourself.
I'm brutally aware of how complex the current department situation is, but I also think that is light years away from us. True, working together creates an added challenge. I'm fully aware of that. But if this is something we want to try, I don't think either of those things should be the deterrent. Over-analyzing situations is one of my specialties, but I've been trying to lose that habit. It's important to be logical, but I don't want to get to a place where my decisions are made devoid of emotion. That scares me more than choosing the seemingly less logical path.
With all of that said, I would only take this leap if you truly wanted to take it with me. Being nervous or scared is one thing because we could be that together, but I think the other uncertainties are on you.
I'm willing to help you through those things as your friend; I'm not in the business of abandoning people I care about. But I am in the business of doing what is right and healthy for me—I spent too long putting too much before my own well-being, and I have to keep that as a priority. Part of what becomes unhealthy for me is getting lost in the paradoxes and the gray areas for too long, without a point of reference or a piece of solid ground to stand on.
So, to avoid our current trend of the dual existence—the on again, off again—I wanted to get this out there before I left, before another week went by. I didn't want to leave you with the shrugs and the "I don't knows" that seemed to pervade my side of the conversation on Thursday. I still see possibility here, complications and all. And regardless of where this takes us, I feel better knowing you've heard me.
The other day when we talked, I was at a loss for words and answers; thus you did most of the talking—or rather thinking via talking. Maybe if we had more time, I would have been able to do the same. To be honest, though, I'm not sure it would've made a difference. It seems both of us showed up without a plan, and the resulting improvisation became ambiguous fast.
The last thing I want to do is push you into something you don't want; that's not fair to you or me. But I also don't want to leave some of these things unsaid, and now that I've had some more reaction time, here I go:
You asked for my gut feeling, and I want to be clear—I meant it when I said I was disappointed. I don't know when exactly it happened, but my protective wall started to come down. I've found myself wanting to run over, give you a bear hug, and kiss you on the face a number of times this week, and it's frustrating not to feel able to do that. I like being around you, at work and otherwise. And I wouldn't have spent the night if I didn't have any feelings. Like you, that is not who I am, and no matter what happens from here, I want you to know I don't regret a thing.
I know I didn't give you the full back-story, and I don't want to make a bigger deal of this than it needs to be. But it is true that I've never had a boyfriend. I have never had a true, reciprocal relationship: I've dated sporadically; I've fallen hard; I've been mistreated; I've wanted things I couldn't have; I've wallowed in self-pity; and then I've run away. But I think through all of that, and especially this year, I'm discovering what true caring and loyalty looks like. I am finding the qualities I need in relationships of any kind; I know I am stronger for it. And I really don't think I can exist purely on a casual hook-up level.
What I'm hearing from you, however, seems more complicated than that. Your head and your heart and your past experiences are in a major brawl. I conveniently forgot how recent your last break-up was, and it doesn't sound like you've fully digested your reaction. I think you need to take care of that hurt, confusion, distrust…whatever it is. You owe that to yourself.
I'm brutally aware of how complex the current department situation is, but I also think that is light years away from us. True, working together creates an added challenge. I'm fully aware of that. But if this is something we want to try, I don't think either of those things should be the deterrent. Over-analyzing situations is one of my specialties, but I've been trying to lose that habit. It's important to be logical, but I don't want to get to a place where my decisions are made devoid of emotion. That scares me more than choosing the seemingly less logical path.
With all of that said, I would only take this leap if you truly wanted to take it with me. Being nervous or scared is one thing because we could be that together, but I think the other uncertainties are on you.
I'm willing to help you through those things as your friend; I'm not in the business of abandoning people I care about. But I am in the business of doing what is right and healthy for me—I spent too long putting too much before my own well-being, and I have to keep that as a priority. Part of what becomes unhealthy for me is getting lost in the paradoxes and the gray areas for too long, without a point of reference or a piece of solid ground to stand on.
So, to avoid our current trend of the dual existence—the on again, off again—I wanted to get this out there before I left, before another week went by. I didn't want to leave you with the shrugs and the "I don't knows" that seemed to pervade my side of the conversation on Thursday. I still see possibility here, complications and all. And regardless of where this takes us, I feel better knowing you've heard me.
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