A rant...from a not-so-long long time ago...

I’m writing in Poor Richard font. Poor me. Wah wah wah. I’ve been making bad decisions. I’ve endangered my life and others’. I’m a hypocrite. I preach being strong and unique, but all I can do is get hammered, let my emotions get the best of me, and use my impaired, damaged brain cells to make some of the worst decisions I could ever make. Ones that seem to perpetuate exactly what my parents are thinking about me. That Alcoholic Beast that takes over and makes all the goodness and purity in the world go away. Vanish. Disappear. I’ve become that Beast to them. I am an embodiment of everything they didn’t want for me.

Me: their angel, their too perfect angel who looked down from the clouds and picked this life.

I PICKED these parents? I picked this existence where I’m expected to be nothing short of a saint? "A charmed child," they call me. Born into the path. "The Path," they call it. As if it is the only possible path to salvation out there. A path followed by the 60’s and 70’s groovey, hippie, flower children – children who are now enlightened and want to give that gift to their children. This is a path I was placed on before I’d even left the womb, and one that I’m not sure I want anymore. And the real question is, did I EVER really want it?

Let’s look at this belief that souls look down from somewhere and choose the vehicle for their next earthly existence. Because, yes, amidst it all I still believe a lot of this doctrine – the dogma that claims to be flexible and all-inclusive but still seems to exclude many. Every day it feels more like I’m a little Catholic girl rebelling against the unmoving, established rules. Like the ones founded on a church, on rites and rituals. Like everything I've rejected along the way.

So I CHOSE this? Why? I feel like I’ve lost the prophet. I’ve lost the light. Do I resent being seen as one of the lucky ones who don’t have to go through the struggles to find this Path? You’re goddamned right I do. If being born to this life with these parents and these beliefs means I’m not allowed to fuck up, to make mistakes, then I want nothing of it. I am STILL HUMAN. And I feel lost.

I’m not sure I can live up to this portrait of perfection I’ve been painted in. Who could? I mean. Just because I was born onto a certain path doesn’t mean I can’t deviate, detour, and find a different way. A way that is truly MINE.

Of course that doesn’t mean I want to be reckless, endangering lives. That’s the last thing I want.

But for some reason I’ve done just that twice in a little over a month. And for some reason I’ve been spared. Someone, somewhere is trying to tell me something, I think. The obvious would be to stop drinking. But I think part of my problem has been trying to make everything a black and white issue. I need to deal in the shades of gray.

FIRST-I’ve been STUPID and WEAK, but that doesn’t mean that I’m a STUPID or WEAK person.

SECOND-I see that I’ve been terrified to let my parents see that I drink. This concept of drinking is, and has always been, an indicator of imperfection to them. They don’t condone it, in fact they despise it. Or maybe they're terrified. And they’ve done their very best to try to sew that seed of fear in me. But somehow that fear has transformed into utter contempt for myself.

How can I be so predictable? My family has been defined by fateful nights with swirling red and blue lights in the rearview, and the sick, bitter taste of alcohol, of instant, Absolut regret on its breath. Simply put, this is not ok. It’s just not. And I know that. But how can I fix it?

Is just STOPPING drinking all together a realistic goal at this point?
It might be.
I guess.
Perhaps it even SHOULD be.
I don’t know.

THIRD- I need to consider why I am doing this. I need to decide which friends need to be around me and which don't. I need to stop the bitching and make the change. I've known it needs to happen for far too long now, and I have no one to blame but me.

Instead of helping and healing myself, I've been speeding down sabotage central. And I need an exit fast.