Ambiguity

________,

The other day when we talked, I was at a loss for words and answers; thus you did most of the talking—or rather thinking via talking. Maybe if we had more time, I would have been able to do the same. To be honest, though, I'm not sure it would've made a difference. It seems both of us showed up without a plan, and the resulting improvisation became ambiguous fast.

The last thing I want to do is push you into something you don't want; that's not fair to you or me. But I also don't want to leave some of these things unsaid, and now that I've had some more reaction time, here I go:

You asked for my gut feeling, and I want to be clear—I meant it when I said I was disappointed. I don't know when exactly it happened, but my protective wall started to come down. I've found myself wanting to run over, give you a bear hug, and kiss you on the face a number of times this week, and it's frustrating not to feel able to do that. I like being around you, at work and otherwise. And I wouldn't have spent the night if I didn't have any feelings. Like you, that is not who I am, and no matter what happens from here, I want you to know I don't regret a thing.

I know I didn't give you the full back-story, and I don't want to make a bigger deal of this than it needs to be. But it is true that I've never had a boyfriend. I have never had a true, reciprocal relationship: I've dated sporadically; I've fallen hard; I've been mistreated; I've wanted things I couldn't have; I've wallowed in self-pity; and then I've run away. But I think through all of that, and especially this year, I'm discovering what true caring and loyalty looks like. I am finding the qualities I need in relationships of any kind; I know I am stronger for it. And I really don't think I can exist purely on a casual hook-up level.

What I'm hearing from you, however, seems more complicated than that. Your head and your heart and your past experiences are in a major brawl. I conveniently forgot how recent your last break-up was, and it doesn't sound like you've fully digested your reaction. I think you need to take care of that hurt, confusion, distrust…whatever it is. You owe that to yourself.

I'm brutally aware of how complex the current department situation is, but I also think that is light years away from us. True, working together creates an added challenge. I'm fully aware of that. But if this is something we want to try, I don't think either of those things should be the deterrent. Over-analyzing situations is one of my specialties, but I've been trying to lose that habit. It's important to be logical, but I don't want to get to a place where my decisions are made devoid of emotion. That scares me more than choosing the seemingly less logical path.

With all of that said, I would only take this leap if you truly wanted to take it with me. Being nervous or scared is one thing because we could be that together, but I think the other uncertainties are on you.

I'm willing to help you through those things as your friend; I'm not in the business of abandoning people I care about. But I am in the business of doing what is right and healthy for me—I spent too long putting too much before my own well-being, and I have to keep that as a priority. Part of what becomes unhealthy for me is getting lost in the paradoxes and the gray areas for too long, without a point of reference or a piece of solid ground to stand on.

So, to avoid our current trend of the dual existence—the on again, off again—I wanted to get this out there before I left, before another week went by. I didn't want to leave you with the shrugs and the "I don't knows" that seemed to pervade my side of the conversation on Thursday. I still see possibility here, complications and all. And regardless of where this takes us, I feel better knowing you've heard me.