....om....

I bear the sanskrit symbol, Om, around my neck with quasi-confidence. I know that it helps me; it helps me define my beliefs. But sometimes it feels like I can't explain to the curious exactly what it means. Instead, then, I try to explain exactly what it means to me. And even that is a challenge.

How do you put your heart, your spirit, your soul into words? How do you slap a name or a label on something so integral to your nature? Putting anything--individuality, relationships, emotions, beliefs, dreams, desires--so neatly and precisely into boxes of cognizance is an insult to its complexity. It is an insult to its very existence.

And yet the thing that makes us so uniquely human is our capacity and inclination to communicate the impossible. As the young boy is told that he is "too small, too slow" to keep up and follows along anyway, we are drawn to a challenge. I too am inclined to try and claim my aptitude. I want to at least begin to verbalize that evanescent stuff beneath my skin. Maybe then I can confidently move about with body, mind, and soul coexisting peacefully. Maybe then I can feel truly...me.

Here are some brief (if trite) definitions from the oh-so-wise-and-convenient Web:

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Om –noun - Hinduism.
A mantric word thought to be a complete expression of Brahman and interpreted as having three sounds representing Brahma or creation, Vishnu or preservation, and Siva or destruction, or as consisting of the same three sounds, representing waking, dreams, and deep sleep, along with the following silence, which is fulfillment.

Om - Skt.,=yes, so be it - for Hindus and Buddhists, a mystic word or mantra. Om is regarded as the syllable of the supreme Reality and is sometimes called "the mother of mantras." It is often found at the beginning of prayers, mantras, and scriptures as a word of invocation and adoration. In Hinduism its three Sanskrit phonemes (transliterated a, u, and m) symbolize the triad of Brahma the creator, Vishnu the preserver, and Shiva the destroyer, or the three levels of consciousness: waking, dreaming, and deep sleep. In Buddhism it is often understood as symbolizing the true "empty" character of reality, as that truth has been communicated by various historical Buddhas, celestial Buddhas, and, directly, by the true character of reality itself (see sunyata).

* Creation (Brahma)- Preservation (Vishnu)- Destruction (Shiva) into Brahman
* Waking- Dreaming- Dreamless Sleep into Turiya (transcendental fourth state of consciousness)
* Rajas (activity, heat, fire) - Tamas (dullness, ignorance, darkness) - Sattva (purity, light, serenity/shanti) into Brahman
* Body, Speech and Mind into Oneness
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I like this idea of threes, of using the combination of opposite forces to find a fourth and higher force. It is a paradox. And in paradoxes, especially lately, I find more clarity than confusion. There is rarely a right or wrong, a black or white, a yes or no, a "my way" or the "highway." Things don't work that way. Change those conjunctions from the restrictive "or" to the inclusive "and"; then, maybe, we're getting closer to the truth.

Amidst mass chaos, violence, destruction, and confusion, there is still peace. Each person has it within them to find their own serenity, their own strength. By whittling down all the complications in life to a deep, cleansing breath--to a silent mantra, Om--I find moments of silence, of clarity. I know I am not enlightened. I know I am not perfect. I know I have a lot of growing to do: personally, emotionally, and spiritually. But I also know that with a point of entrance into the vast ocean of existence, I can navigate confidently through my life.

Om does this for me and wearing the symbol around my neck is a reminder: all human beings have the same guiding light inside. We are all connected in this way, and instead of waving our flags of religious extremism, of patriotism, of terrorism, of any other -ism, we should take a moment to recognize this bond.

Humanity. We are a family--dysfunctional, yes--but a family nonetheless.

Director's note: Summer Dance Show

In its third incarnation, the "Dance Thing" has evolved into a new and distinctive entity from the first, but with the ever-pervasive intent for young artists to create and perform something they can proudly call their own. Five summers ago, I didn't realize how central the concept for this "Thing" would become to my life and the way I navigate through it.

As artists and as people just trying to live our lives, we go through a natural process of things. With beginning, middle, and end to each subplot, we find catharsis in having gone through each. But I find comfort and inspiration in the middle--the mess, the confusion, the process. In that space we can truly learn about ourselves, finding purpose and satisfaction.

This show is a tribute to all artists and creators who know that struggle--the bitter trials we gladly face. Let us not rush through the middle of things, because in rushing we'll have missed all the good stuff.

To my adopted big brother, father, friend...

________,

I sit here trying to figure out how to thank you for the past ten years. I want to be witty and charming. I want to start with a heartfelt, yet quirky story--one that screams US--then I want to pinpoint all the moments you've helped me grow, and I want you in tears by the end. This should be easy. But now I'm in tears.

My catch twenty-two is paradoxical endings. They close one moment and open the next. They mark accomplishments or failures, whichever the case may be. They can tear your heart out, or they can inflate your ego. They can scare the living bajeebers out of you or induce the highest high of hope. At the moment, though, I'm feeling a bit sad.

This happens to me at every endpoint of my life: my gut churns into knots, and my heels dig holes in the ground. I don't want change. Ever. At least not right when it's about to happen.

Don't get me wrong. I love possibility and the unknown. So I guess I really do love change. But in the beginning, I am reluctant to give up the comfort, the safety, and the love I found in the last beginning of my life. That would inevitably mean I risk losing part of what made that time wonderful. And right now, I want to bask in this beginning before it ends.

I've always seen change as final, where people leave the moments which marked my last beginning behind and don't look back. Change has meant saying goodbye and hoping with all my might that the next beginning is as magical as the last. In this case, though, I hope I'm wrong. This change won't mean the end for us. In fact, I have a feeling there are many shows and adventures ahead. I see collaborations between our respective schools. I see other theater projects that we have yet to dream. Amid my uncertainties, one thing is sure: we are not finished.

You are an inspiration to me, and in you I've found more than a director and mentor; I've found a friend. I admire your passion and dedication in every aspect of your life--your marriage, your family, and your career. You've shown me that good men are out there, and that I shouldn't settle. You've shown me that you can always dream; you can always grow. Most importantly, you've shown me that silliness, laughter, and play have a place in life, no matter what your age. This is why I love producing shows with you.

How appropriate that we mark this milestone with our second run of Honk! When we began this journey, I was young, awkward, and had little more to offer the shows than my passion for dance and my capability to bellow "5, 6, 7, 8!" But you took me under your wing, gave me room to mess up (and then fix it), and somewhere amongst the madness I grew up. Well, kind of. And now when I'm unsure of the future, when I doubt myself, "just knowing you are out there," that you believe in me, "will help me to get by."

So let's not raise a glass to the end, but to the beginning of something different. And remember--"Different isn't hateful. Different could be swell. Different is just, well, different."

Thank you for everything.

a little bird told me...

just let go
cause nothing changes
but time

...again, it's proven to me that simplicity equals truth.

growing up

i'm in a perpetual catch-22 that is growing up. i'm doing what is responsible. i have a good job and i'm going to start earning money, diligently participating in the economic machine. somewhere inside me, though, lives a knot of concern, because if adventure and creativity and dreams dissolve with the acquisition of security, i'm not sure i want it. if i ever lose magic, i will certainly fade away. so, here i am: intangible and uncertain, trying not to dissolve into mediocrity.


i want to meet people who are real and truthful and brave. where are they?

it's list time.

Things I've accomplished this fall--
-started working as a full-time English teacher
-helped start and advise a ballroom dancing club
-finally (kind of) quit teaching dance at my high school studio
-blew my engine due to neglect
-spent an entire month carpooling with mom while it was repaired
-almost lost my mind during that time
-paid for and received a new engine, and other such things
-didn't lose mind
-developed good (beginnings of) friendships in the English Department
-drank too much
-started to learn how not to and what causes my emotional drinking
-started (truly) avoiding social situations from my past that i knew would be unhealthy
-decided that i WILL be moving out of my parents' house within the next year
-and actually told them that
-went to a drama workshop with a colleague
-started helping with the drama club at school
-replied calmly and maturely to a jealous girlfriend's email
-put some space between myself and said jealous girlfriend's beax
-realized that i am still a procrastinator at heart
-and that i will have to adjust my professional responsibilities, or rather, my dealings with my professional responsibilities accordingly
-and i made it to the winter break!!

Things I'd like to do on my week off...
-write write write (let's say for at least an hour each day)
-CORRECT all my kids' papers and projects
-read read read (mostly the things i need to teach in January, but also something just for me)
-begin work on mid-term and final exams
-play with and walk dogs every day
-book club
-visit with vanessa
-visit grandpa at least twice
-and i'll leave it at that... knowing full well that the writing of the list does not guarantee a thing, it just presents a hope.

i'm living. surviving. good and bad. and i guess that's all one can ask for.

right?