doing hard time in the cells of my brain

let love in
say peace to conflict
take a long look around you
and roll the fuck out

oh. and saurkraut.

having too vivid imagination is my downfall.

so many times i've played out different interactions, dreams, ideas, conversations in my head ... leaving myself well-rehearsed for an unlived life.

why do i feel the need to have everything perfectly figured out in my head before taking a leap? i've always been like that. i'm terrible at improvisation. but once i've practiced and practiced and gotten it right, i feel a thousand times more sure of myself. i like having control of what happens, knowing that i'm in the driver's seat.

but, then... surprises and unexpected events are what make a life. and how you process them, gracefully or otherwise, shapes the outcomes.

if i keep imagining my life how i think it ought to be, i'm going to miss it completely. if i let my issues flatten me on the sidewalk time and time again, i'm never going to rise above them. if i wallow in this place which makes me a victim, i'm never going to be happy. and i'm sick to death of being a victim.

rehearsing unrehearsed realities.
looking for mischief and sexy subtleties.
putting on a knowing smile.
and you better believe
i won't be back for a while.

A letter I probably won't send.

________,

Your kiss was everything.
Your arms: gentle and strong.
You saw beyond my body.
You were considerate and honest.
You were genuine.

I felt protected and appreciated.
I loved being touched by you.

But the whole thing was cheapened.

Cheapened because we are both willing to leave it there, where admittedly it might belong, instead of looking eachother in the eye. Which I doubt we've ever done. I mean really looked. I could probably dwell in the depths of your eyes forever, but I've rarely, if ever, been given the chance. Either that, or I have and didn't take it. So tell me, how can we be so intrigued and drawn to eachother yet be so removed from the reality of ourselves? Therein lies the problem, I guess.

I have issues. You have issues. Hell, we've all got issues. But using that as an excuse not to give this a chance is cheap. I know I'm not a psychiatrist, but I could prescribe you everything I have. I can't promise a cure or even improvement, but I can promise I'll be all of me for you. There's not much more I can offer.

You want answers, solutions, results NOW. I admit it'd be nice to know where I'll end up, if I'll get that happy ending we all long for. But endings mean the fun part is over. The journey, the pain, the boredom, the uncertainty, the madness - if we've reached the end, it means all of that is over. And unless the end of the road equals me as an old, happy lady sitting on my front porch in a rocking chair with one or more people I love, I am in no rush to get there. Because in not rushing I'll have ensured that my memories and experiences are worth looking back on. In not expecting immediate results - and in their absense, moving on without second thought or glance - I'm allowing for growth.

You've been in the back of my mind for years. I don't know what it is. But the something that keeps you alive inside me is still here, wishing that you might look at me, let me look at you, and realize this just might be worth it.

love.

well.

that was a pleasant surprise.

my catch 22

... is paradoxical endings.

they mark accomplishments (or failures, whichever the case may be). they mark a closing of one moment and an opening of the next.

they can tear your heart out. they can inflate your ego. they can scare the living bajeebers out of you. they can induce the highest high of hope....

but at the moment, i'm feeling an overwhelming melancholy. this happens to me at every endpoint in my life. my gut churns into knots and my heels dig holes in the ground. i don't want change. ever. at least not right when it's about to happen.

don't get me wrong. i love possibility and the unknown. and i really do love change. but in the beginning, i never want to give up the comfort, the safety, and the love i found in the last beginning of my life. because that inevitably means i risk losing part of what made that time wonderful.

and right now i want to bask in this beginning's wonder before it ends. which, i suppose if i had to name a date, is this saturday when i graduate. and then when vanessa leaves. and then when mikey leaves. and any other number of dates where people leave the moments which marked my last beginning behind.

i just hope the next one is as magical as the last.