Free-writes with my students....

In preparation for their college essays, I spend a class period offering free write topics, encouraging self-reflection and exploration.  This semester, the activity fell directly in the middle of my own personal disaster.  In some ways, I feel like I am at a similar place as many of them, on the horizon of a change, of a new direction.  Through this brainstorm, I reminded myself of some key elements that comprise who I am.  I'm not sure exactly what I will do with this information yet, but I'm thankful to have generated a beginning of a new direction.  

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What is your strongest personality trait?

• My go-to attitude.  I am a doer.  I don't sit around and wait for things to happen to me.  And when problems occur, I like to think I jump to action and help drive a situation to its conclusion.  I believe I get this from my mother.  I get much of my drive and determination from her.  I am the living, breathing result of a 1970's feminist child. 
•  (Interesting, I now feel frozen and indecisive.  Will I be able to make a change in career?)

How would your friends describe you?

• She is driven.  She is a bubbly person.  She always tries to do what is right and helpful by everyone else, which can sometimes be detrimental to her sanity.  In the process of doing what is expected or asked of her, she sometimes loses sight of her own needs.  She is someone who has a lot to give, but sometimes doesn't know how to balance the pieces of her life to allow for that generosity to truly take effect.  She doesn't know the meaning of the word, No.

What is a favorite book, movie, piece of art, etc?  Why?

• Barbara Kingsolver's Animal Dreams.  I'm not really sure why this is a favorite.  Maybe I just read it at the right time in my life.  Maybe I liked the relationships between the characters, the sense of loss and rebuilding of a life.  I also really love the importance she gave to the place, its healing properties and magical, dream-like qualities.  
• In general, I love things that make me look closer, once, twice, or twelve times.  I love pieces that have an immediate but lasting emotional effect on me.  Sometimes these effects and these pieces are unexplainable.  I just want to be made to FEEL.  I want my gut to respond.

Have you ever reached an epiphany in your life?

• Yes.  RECENTLY.  I realized that I have a tendency to get stuck in INERTIA, in a pathway that was my choosing and is respected/supported by everyone in my life, but then I realize that it may not be the right pathway for me.  This is true in my professional and personal life right now.  But at the same time, these questions fly through my mind:  How dare I stand up for me?  For my feelings?
• I must begin paying attention to me.  NOW.  Or forever hold my peace.

What are your greatest accomplishments?  Why do you consider them so highly?

• Being a part of Samantha's life (my little cousin who ended up spending a year with my family, in a time of turmoil for her)--and I regret not being as strong presence in her life currently.
• Helping my grandfather and grandmother during his illness--I was able to be useful and caring and use my strengths to help them with things they struggled with.  And I regret not spending as much time with my Grams now that she is alone.
• Going to school and doing well.  High school, undergrad, and graduate school.  For so long this was all I knew or expected of myself, and I committed to doing well.
• Creating groups of friends and communities in various facets of my life.  I regret losing touch with some or many of them.
• Right now....the fact that I am actively and verbally admitting unrest.  This is a first for me.  I hope that I take this beginning and create the life that I really want.  The time is now.
• Next...I hope the next big accomplishment will be making the change.  Or, at the very least, beginning to make the change that I know I need to make.

What activities do you do outside the classroom that define you as a person?

• Directing/choreographing plays--I see these as vehicles for mentoring kids in an arena sometimes more meaningful than in a traditional classroom.
• ABC House--I am daily helping five boys in a very real, very tangible way.  I am helping to provide comfort, family, and support to inner-city kids trying to find A Better Chance than they might find in their home neighborhoods.
• Ballroom Dance Club 
• Advocating for a Theater and Dance program in a public high school.  
• (......all of these activities are directed towards populations of kids who don't have an existing outlet in their communities or schools)

In what areas have you struggled and succeeded?  Struggled and failed?

• BEST portfolio--to be certified to teach in CT, second year teachers face UNREAL pressures.  I passed this portfolio, but not without much turmoil.
• Directing my first musical at this high-powered public high school.
• School, through all the levels.

• I don't have as many failures, but I think this is because I've played it safe.  Maybe I need to stretch out of my comfort zone.  For once in my life.  

What are some difficulties you've had to endure and how have they changed you?

• This might be one of the most difficult things I will have to do--to break from INERTIA.  I fear that this decision will help define me and my life hereafter.  I just hope I make the right choice.
• I am proud of the difficulties I faced with Sammi and my Gramps--I love myself most when I do the right thing by me AND others.  

Where and with whom would you like to be?

• Outside, walking or running with my puppy, with a notebook and my ideas in tow.  Then, I would take a break, a long one at that, to play, bound, rest, and let my words flow.  I want to let the writer's life take over.  I want to commit to it, in combination with some yoga and dance.  The more I think about it, the more I realize it could be. the. most. perfect. and. powerful. scenario.

How do you define success?

• Happiness.  For me and for as many other people as possible.  In thirty years, I don't want to doubt my path.  I think I might if I staid in teaching.  At least in an artist's life or a writer's life, I would have the opportunity to change and develop my focus, what I am working on.  Could I go freelance?
• Success, to me, equals me as an old lady, sitting around a porch surrounded by my family (blood and gathered), laughing, telling stories, and loving life.  
• I want a world of options and inspirations.  A wealth of interest and knowledge and curiosity.  Always.  For my whole life.

The Pro-Con List

In trying to decide what is causing my discontent at work, I came up with the following list.

The positive parts of my job--

• Helping kids, being a positive influence in their life.
• Supporting a life of thoughtful consideration and curiosity, of awareness, of creativity, and of self-expression.
• I have the opportunity to participate and facilitate theater and dance, and to advocate for the arts in public schools.
• I sometimes have the opportunity to share and be excited about my passions and my concern for kids with like-minded people.  This is limited, however, due to the normal stresses of the job.
• The people in this working community are wonderful and supportive, interesting and challenging.  They never fail to bring a smile to my face, even when that might be a hard thing to do.  They have become a second family to me.
• I have a consistent paycheck with benefits.  I am putting money away for retirement.  This is stable.

The negative aspects of my job--

• The correcting load, in addition to the other responsibilities.
• Because I am overwhelmed with additional activities (by choice, I admit), I feel like I'm not being as good or as clear in the classroom (and out of the classroom).  What good am I if I am letting my students down?
• While the possibility for a theater program exists on the horizon, I have no idea how long it will be before it materializes.  
• I am supporting the students' creativity and self-expression, but I am stifling my own!
• I've been questioning this career path THE WHOLE TIME I have been on it.  I went into it wondering, and it hasn't stopped.
• Leaving would be a huge monetary risk.  And I have my Dad's voice in my head...
• Teaching English was always the choice I made to be logical (here's that theme again...), responsible, to bring together pieces of myself.  But.  I am lost.  So I am worried that this is not working....................

Do I have the guts to do something about it?

Sometimes silence screams.

I could feel the anger and the sadness reverberate through the car.  Thank god I stopped to get a coffee…at least I had something else to do with my hands than grasp the wheel and the stick.  I could engage the sense of taste to distract from the other senses, shrieking with his pain.  

I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.  I sat there and let him go through his motions until we got home.  

I quietly got out of the car after his not-so-quiet door slam.  I stood in the grass, under the clear, starry sky, and watched as he tossed his bags into his car, took his parents' air conditioner from the house, said C-ya, and tore out of the drive-way.  

I stood there for a few more minutes, letting the cooling humid air swirl around me.  I listened to the sound of his engine get quieter and quieter in the distance.  Until it was gone.  He was gone.  

I could finally take a breath.  And I made it count.  I took a deep breath in, held it there, carefully, mindfully, and then slowly let the air seep out through my lips.  It seemed like I had air for days.  

My stomach churned a little bit.  But the tension in my shoulders went away.  The tears hung in the corners of my eyes, but they did not fall.  I looked down at my dog, who stood still at my side, staring up at me. 

“Come on, Sid,” I whispered.  He wagged his tail slightly and trotted, carefree, into the house.  I took slow, deliberate steps inside, turned around, and gently closed the door.  

I sat down in my satellite chair, hugged my knees to my chest, and let the silence ring in my ears.  I did it.  I just broke a good man’s heart.  

And here I am, sitting still, in a space somewhere between tears, nausea, and relief. 

Another goodbye.

________,

I want to write this to you in case I forget to say some thing or things in person.  I know this is going to be hard, and I don’t want to risk you not understanding, or at the very least, not getting all of my thinking.

Let me start with affirmations, which I hope you can remember and believe when it’s easier to focus on the negative.  I think you are the sweetest, kindest man I have ever met.  I am blessed to know you and to have you love me as much as you do.  I admire your bravery in making such a huge life change and the steps you’ve taken to grow as a person.  I can’t imagine the strength it has taken for you to cope with so many challenges, without asking for support or help from anyone.  I am so proud of you and happy for you about the positive experiences you’ve had during your recent training—you deserve to have a turn-around at work; you deserve to be recognized for the good things you are doing.  In fact, you deserve the very best in all facets of your life. 

Let me also be very clear about this:  I love you and care about you a great deal.  If you need my support, it will be there, without question. 

It is because of all of these things that I cannot wait to do this, to say this.  I can’t be your girlfriend anymore.  It wouldn’t be fair.  It wouldn’t be right.  I do not love you the way you love me.  My heart and my gut—my emotions, my intuition—are not in line with my logic.  And no amount of time or rationalization is going to change that.  I’m sure of that now.  In fact, although I am not particularly excited about hurting you, I’m more sure about this than I have been about anything in recent months. 

I have been trying to write myself into the perfect love story, the story we’ve been creating for ourselves.  This makes so much sense; WE make so much sense. We’ve felt drawn to each other, off and on, for years.  We have such a common background and have a deeper understanding of each other because of that.  Our families know each other and are supportive of the two of us together.  Our friends are supportive, too.  Everybody seems to see the perfection of the story, but that doesn’t mean it is perfect. 

I’ve realized that there is a disconnect between the experience I’ve been painting for myself and the experience I’ve actually been having.  I have worked very hard to try to make myself feel this, to want and need this gutturally, but it’s not there.  Of course, I have had moments of contentment and happiness, because I enjoy spending time with you.  You are a wonderful person, and I like being around you; I like having you in my life.  But that doesn’t translate to me being in love with you, to this being the right thing for me. 

And I think I’ve been using “the walls” and “the being emotionally closed off,” “the being scarred and scared,” as barriers to hide behind. I certainly have been hurt in the past, but I know I’m not this emotionally stunted.  It is not coming naturally to me, not because I’m not capable of it, but because somehow, subconsciously, I knew something wasn’t working. You’ve said that I’m “copping out” quite a bit lately, and you’re right.  But not in the way you thought.  I wasn’t listening to myself.  I wasn’t letting myself admit that this wasn’t working for me, so I kept coming up with lame excuses or reasons for the way I was acting.  I was trying to give myself enough time to MAKE it work.  Some things, though, you just can’t force.  This is one of them.  And it’s not fair to you. 

I don’t really know what catalyzed this bout of self-analysis and realization (or, rather, beginnings of self-realization), but I’m starting to listen to myself, to pay attention to my desires and my aspirations.  This is the hardest thing I think anyone can do, and for a long time, I’ve been putting myself second to what seems to be the “right” path or the one I have a responsibility to simply because I’ve started down that road.  But instead of staying in things that aren’t working, isn’t it better to be honest?  First, with myself, but also with the people I’m affecting? 

I don’t believe we’re as compatible as we’ve been trying to convince ourselves we are.  I am not going to make you happy in the end, because I can’t love you the way you need to be loved, the way you deserve to be loved.  I believe you will find that in somebody just as wonderful as you. 

I know you don’t want to hear, “I’m sorry.”  But I am.  I am sorry that it took me so long to figure this out.  I am sorry you’re hurting; you don’t deserve that.  I am sorry you made such a drastic move for something that didn’t pan out the way you pictured it.  I’m sorry you might hate me after this.  Believe me, I will feel badly about that for a very long time.  I will regret hurting someone that I care about so deeply and respect so much.

On the other hand, I am NOT sorry we tried.  If we didn’t try, we would never have known—you might not have proven to yourself that you could leave the comfort of home, that you could be on your own.  I might not have learned that there is a sensitivity and kindness that I should expect from a partner.  I might not have learned how to be honest with myself, to pay attention to the actuality instead of the make-believe reality. 

Thank you for loving me.  I’m sorry I’m hurting you. 

If there is any way you can keep me in your life, I would love that.  But if you need space, time, or a clean cut, I understand that, too. 

You are wonderful.  Please don’t ever forget that.

With love.

For the first time in a really long time, I'm being the selfish one. I'm putting my needs before someone else's. I'm trying to let the guilt roll off of me, just this once. Because the weight of that guilt might crush me like stone.

Don't listen to logic.

....Do what feels right.

....

--Star Trek

"I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom."

--Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Check our SARK and her beauteous way of living and loving abundantly.  

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(Thanks to my cousin, Liz, for turning me on to this.  It turns out that today happens to be a day of reconnecting, to inspiration, to self, to others.  And I am thankful for it.)

http://www.sarkjournal.com/

Well...Astrology.com says Libra and Leo are a perfect match:

Eloquent, artistic, and honest, these two signs share many touchstones and easily accommodate each other elsewhere. The Libran individual, incurably wishy-washy, will adopt the Lion's determination if it seems fair. And the Lion laps it up! Leo fulfills the Libran's desires, rubbing him or her the right way and expressing boundless love, especially in the physical sense. Friends and lovers, Leo and Libra derive strength from each other to parade splendidly, in dignity and grace, through the outer world. Their love is an intelligent device.